oh, what to say

petits fours

2011-12-14T22:24:00.001-06:00

I've had an urge to make my own petites fours. Why? I keep seeing them for sale on gilt taste, and I can't help but think that while those may be very tasty, I could do that. So I did a little googling, and voila!

I have to say, I'm very pleased. I started with the blog post from bakerella on pound cake and petites fours. Other articles I read said to use a sponge cake, but I think the pound cake was brilliant- it's a very tasty cake in and of itself, and it held up nicely to the cutting. I didn't have any cream cheese so I used a tried-and-true pound cake recipe I had on hand:

Pound cake:
2 3/4 c flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup butter
2 c granulated sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract

sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Cream butter and sugar until smooth, beat in eggs one at a time and add vanilla. Slowly beat in flour mixture.

Normally this gets baked in a 10-in bundt pan for over an hour @ 325F. This time I put it in a jelly-roll pan and baked it for about 25 min @ 325F.

I also don't remember where I got this recipe from, or I would give credit where it's due. Normally I add 2 cups of blueberries (fresh or frozen) and some chocolate chips, if I'm feeling like it. And, I don't know how this happened, but last night I completely ran out of granulated sugar. Completely. I made up the difference with brown sugar, it was totally fine. And honestly, probably more flavorful than with white sugar.

Cool the cake, and then cut into 8 sections- I'm rather bad at cutting them into equal-sized portions, but it was ok. Then slice each section in half horizontally. There are some nice pictures on the bakerella blog. She said to apply a small amount of syrup to each piece- I didn't have a spray bottle so I tried just using a spoon. Way, way too much simple syrup. The cake started to fall apart as the liquid soaked through, after I added layers of jam and stacked it. So I skipped the syrup and just layered jam and cake. I used some blueberry rhubarb jam that I made over the summer. I also skipped the marzipan because I didn't have it and also I don't really like it that much.

The jam filling.

Cake cut, layered, and cut again.

Someday, I will learn how to cut things into more equal-sized pieces.

I decided to use a chocolate glaze instead of a fondant glaze. 1) because I love chocolate and 2) because I find fondant to be cloyingly sweet. I used a recipe from allrecipes for a shiny chocolate glaze. I doubled the recipe because I didn't want to run out. I think that was for the best, though I probably had a good cup or so of glaze left over. Still trying to decide what to do with that.

I chose to melt this over a pot of water on the stove rather than in the microwave, so that I could keep it warm over the water. I just turned off the heat and left the bowl on top of the pot.

I have no photos of the glazing process, because I only have two hands. I ended up with chocolate everywhere, possibly in my hair. But basically, I put the cake piece on a fork, and used a spoon to coat the cake with the glaze. It's pretty thin, making it super easy to pour over while it's hot. I then placed it on the silpat to cool. And then, after all of the cakes were coated, I melted some white chocolate, added some food coloring, and drizzled. :D I need to find a better method to drizzle chocolate (I am currently just using a fork dipped into the chocolate) because it sometimes results in globs of chocolate. And again, chocolate all over the kitchen.

So pretty!

hope, joy, and the glory of God

2011-06-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

Started reading two books recently: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. Kind of related, one is about how hope and joy can come through difficult times, the other is about how to fight for joy. Reading these books, I am asking- what is biblical hope? and what is biblical joy? I'm pretty sure my idea of hope and joy are off, but I don't quite get what these two authors are talking about.

And yet...

Been thinking about the glory of God lately. I just had two good things happen for me- got a new job, got accepted into a graduate program (and yes, I plan on doing both- at least for the short term). I am happy, and I am thankful, but a lot of other people are happier for me than I am for myself. And many of them are praising God because of what He has wrought in my life right now.

If my life, somehow, despite all my mistakes and all my grumblings, manages to bring glory to God, is it worth it?

Friends have said to me (more than once, and more than one friend) that they are encouraged by watching me. And my first impulse is to ask- why? What is encouraging about watching a girl flounder in life, flounder in faith? And yet the point is not that I am struggling, or that I am floundering, but that for whatever reason, I haven't given up on my God. And that is definitely not of myself. The fact that I am somehow encouraging other people when I feel least encouraged myself points to God. And that's good, because otherwise the proud beast in me will take all the credit for myself. This way the glory must go to God, because clearly I have no idea what I am doing.

I feel strangely joyful tonight. Not because of the good things that God has done for me, though those things are nice. (Honestly, it's also kind of scary and I'm afraid that I am going to do this and then fall flat on my face [again], and all these people will see it happen [again].) I am hopeful and joyful, because even in my struggles God is bringing glory to Himself. I wonder what it would look like if I lived with abandon, giving it all, rather than giving grudgingly of myself.

I may never live an exciting life, and I am certainly not going to live the life that I thought I was going to have. I may never wake up every morning excited about my life and what I am doing. (Seriously, are there people like this? I'm pretty sure it's not the norm, but career counselors and pop culture will tell you that you should love your job.) But right now I have the slightest of glimpses that my struggles are not for nothing, and I hold onto a small (but hopefully growing?) hope that God will work his will in me, and that will is good. I am afraid that it will require more struggles, deeper struggles. And I am certainly not going to get everything I wanted from my life. Right now, that's ok. I hope and pray that it will still be ok when I'm going through a howling wilderness. It's just a glimpse, but maybe that's how it starts.

blessed be your name

in the land that is plentiful

where your streams of abundance flow

blessed be your name

when i'm found in the desert place

though i walk through the wilderness

blessed be your name

feliz cumpleaños a mi padre

2011-03-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

I dunno, I felt like it sounded better in spanish. :)

Vanilla butter sponge cake (a la Julia Child), with an apricot cake filling (I cheated- this was the canned stuff in the baking aisle) and vanilla whipped cream frosting. Wording written with chocolate ganache b/c that's what I had on hand. I topped the cake with the extra apricot filling because (1) it looks pretty and (2) that meant I didn't have to do another layer of frosting to cover the cake crumbs (I should have anyway to cover the sides better, but it was late on Wed and I wanted to go to bed).

I think I may have finally found a good frosting that will set and is not uper sweet. I used this sturdy whipped cream frosting recipe from all recipes, only I used marscapone cheese instead of cream cheese and added about 1/2 packet of unflavored gelatin (dissolved in about 2 tbsp of hot water). This stuff tastes vaguely like the cream filling of tiramisu (it's actually very close, just without the eggs and marsala wine), and I have eaten the leftovers by the spoonful. That's not bad, right? Cream cheese would of course be much more cost-effective than marscapone cheese, but marscapone cheese is actually super easy to make. I would just need (1) time, (2) a store that sells something other than ultrapasturized whipped cream (i.e. not Jewel or Dominicks), and (3) a sieve. When I've made this in the past I've used paper coffee filter rather than the cheesecloth, b/c I found that the cheese mixture just drained right through the cheesecloth and I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen. But I always forget to cool it before pouring it into the cheesecloth, so perhaps that's the problem.

baby brioche

2011-03-12T20:09:00.000-06:00

It seems it's either drought or downpour here. Third post in two days. :P

So that brioche dough I made yesterday? I made some baby brioches. Katy very nicely sent me a set of 4 mini-loaf pans for my birthday (back in October). This is the first time I'm using them. The pans are super cute and lovely, but I don't bake a lot of things that need a loaf pan (quick breads are not really my thing, regular breads get just the pizza stone from me). Anyway. Instead of the one regular brioche using 1/2 the batch and one chocolate brioche, I made 2 mini regular brioches and 2 mini chocolate brioches. Let me just say, the chocolate brioche is wonderful and I am cutting myself off for tonight. Haven't tried the plain brioche yet, but I have some plans for brioche french toast in the near future...

up close

mmm, chocolate

I still have half the batch of dough left (I made enough dough for two one-pound loaves). I think I may bake it and then freeze the loaves, and make a brioche bread pudding in the future. I miss the brioche bread pudding from Sarah's Patisserie (well, I miss everything from Sarah's Patisserie, I have not found another bakery that does it quite like Tammy).

kitten mittens

2011-03-11T22:26:00.000-06:00

Oh, and I almost forgot. Those kitten mittens I made for Nick? He wanted them for a friend, and they totally put them on a cat.

Poor cat.

it's been a while...

2011-03-11T21:44:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since I updated here. So, a quick recap:

December involved a lot of cookies. This was my first time with royal icing. They look a lot better from this distance than they did up close.

I tried being creative with the circles.

gingerbread men made of sugar cookies

sandwich cookies with strawberry-blueberry jam

turtle thumbprints- chocolate cookie, chocolate caramel ganache, pecan garnish

January involved Eugenia's baby shower, I made this baby blanket for her little Nathan (who was born in the middle of a blizzard!)

February was Kristin's baby shower, but I didn't actually get this to her until March. As far as I know, baby's not here yet.

For my mom's birthday, I made her a cake from Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." The cake was delicious, but the icing was a bit too sweet. Sometime, I will find a frosting that is not super sweet. I think I'm just going to have to use a whipped cream frosting (so no butter, less sugar) and add some kind of a stabilizer so it doesn't separate. Dad's birthday is coming up in a few weeks, perfect chance to experiment! ;)

orange sponge cake with orange icing

And February was also a bake-off at church. It was a busy month. I made tiramisu. Kevin says this is cheating, because tiramisu doesn't involve baking, but I will have you know that I made the ladyfingers from scratch. I also baked a biscuit jonde for a shell. Thanks to the daring kitchen for the recipe. I am of course completely remiss as a Daring Baker, and haven't done any of the challenge recipes in months. Somehow it's less motivating to bake when you don't have an audience. And then, their recipes are always so involved... I'm getting lazy.

the biscuit jonde. piped out the chocolate pattern, froze, then spread the cake batter over it.

tiramisu in the springform pan

unmolded in all its glory

I actually wish I had a picture of this sliced, because it had nice layers (from what I saw). Unfortunately, as it was for the church fellowship time, I only saw one person's slice, and most of it ended up rather mutilated. But, even though several people didn't get to try it, I still managed to win the bake-off. ;) My brother told me that I was a baking bully, because everyone else brought cookies. But I didn't know everyone else was going to bring cookies. Tiramisu is one of my go-to recipes though, it's never anything less than amazing, so if that's cheating then I'm sorry.

Finally, tonight I made some blueberry mochi cake. I managed to forget to add the evaporated milk until after I had added both the rice flour and the blueberries, so my batter was shockingly purple. The baking toned it down considerably, but it's still obviously blueberry. These are delicious. They're mini-muffin sized, but I've still eaten about 10 so far, which means... more than I care to think about. I've been meaning to try this for a while and I will have to make them again (this time adding ingredients in the proper order, :P) I'm pretty sure that the original recipe was in regular-sized muffin tins, so I reduced the bake time, but it was still about 25 min total. I made 72 mini mochi cakes. Roughly half are going to my parent's house this weekend, I have the feeling my dad will really like these (don't tell him that butter went into the recipe! shh!! my dad is always on a diet).

I have a baking extravaganza planned. I just threw together a batch of brioche dough, and I'm hoping to bake it tomorrow. I've got my fingers crossed that this brioche recipe works, because I've tried it before and it's been a dismal failure. But I'm using the recipe from Artisan Breads in Five Minutes a Day. This is the first time I'm trying anything that isn't the basic master recipe in the first few pages of the book. :P Not from anything against other kinds of artisan breads, I just love basic french bread (and this one develops a bit of a sourdough flavor as you let it sit in the fridge) and I'm also lazy (as discussed above). Also, I don't really keep ingredients on hand for everything, despite what you might think. I don't know if that makes me a poor excuse for someone who calls herself a baker, but seriously, how many different kinds of flour does one girl need? In my opinion: one. All-purpose. Haha. This is why I'm not a healthy baker. (Wheat flour is also way too dense for me, but I read somewhere that whole wheat pastry flour is much lighter. My only problem is I'm sure it's also more expensive, and I'm trying to keep expenses down these days.)

Anyway. We shall see how the brioche goes. I've made enough for 2 batches, so I'm going to try regular brioche first, then a chocolate brioche. I'm excited!!

2011, what are you going to bring?

2011-01-10T16:49:00.000-06:00

Sigh. I have to start thinking about "what am I doing with my life" again.

At any rate, this is going to be a topsy-turvey year.

2011-01-10T16:47:00.001-06:00

I received a subscription to "The New Yorker" for Christmas this year, and it's been interesting. Of course, in 2 weeks I've received 3 issues, which has been a bit overwhelming (the last Dec issue came after the first Jan issue), but they're interesting reads.

Some things that got me thinking:

"Master of Play", about Shigeru Miyamoto, essentially the creator of Mario and many of Nintendo's most successful videogames. The quote that got me thinking most is from Jane McGonigal:

The answer is more games, not less, according to Jane McGonigal, a game designer and the author of the forthcoming book “Reality Is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World.” Her dream, as she put it in a speech last spring, is “to make it as easy to save the world in real life as it is to save the world in online games.” We try harder when we play. “In game worlds, I believe that many of us become the best version of ourselves,” she went on.

As a Christian, I believe that the world is, in fact, very broken. I don't know that I believe that playing video games will help us save the world, but when the motivations behind video games is phrased this way it makes more sense to me. I never played video games, really. There was the occasional round of Mario Kart in Melissa's basement in high school, but I almost always came in dead last (I still do). My brother played Sony Playstation games, and I never understood the appeal of role-playing games. But the way this article describes it, it's almost attractive. (Almost. I won't actually start video games because I don't have time, among other things.) It's a controllable world, where there are difficult but not impossible tasks, and all sorts of things to discover for yourself. It's a manageable space where we can still explore and grow in skill- who wouldn't want that? It's just interesting to think about how we cope with the fact that our world is broken, and one of those coping mechanisms, so to speak, is creating a playful, fun world that still has danger and requires intelligence and skill to get through, but it's possible to get through, accomplish the goal (save the princess).

I also find it interesting that the first video games with a story (i.e. Donkey Kong, Super Mario Brothers) involved a guy saving a damsel in distress. Girls want to fix the world too, you know, and not just be the damsel in distress. (This is how limited my knowledge of video games is- I never realized, before reading this article, that Mario was the main character in Donkey Kong. For some reason I always thought it was a big ape. Though I guess the ape is the bad guy.)

On a somewhat different topic, I like the approach that Miyamoto took with video games in his house:

“I don’t think I ever talked about doing homework first. But, if there was any rule, it was that inside our house the video games—hardware, software—they are my property, so that when the children want to play they have to borrow them from me. So, for example, when I said, ‘It’s time for you to stop. Otherwise you cannot play again at all’—I think it worked!”

The other interesting article in this issue was about energy, "The Efficiency Dilemma" by David Own. I wouldn't have been able to articulate it like this, but I have to agree that simple energy efficiency doesn't solve the problem. We use more energy than we save because we're saving so much. It's like shopping at a sale: you spend $100, the total worth of your purchases at regular retail price might be $400, and you can say "oh, I just saved $300!" but no, you just spent $100. We're a generation that can't do math correctly.

I would love to be able to drive less (I contemplated just getting rid of my car now that I live in the city but Chicago is still a car city). I would also love it if my office wasn't frigid in the summer. One of the arguments/examples in the article is refrigeration and relatedly, air conditioning- we are able to cool buildings efficiently, so we cool them, but then we get used to the cool and need it all the time, even in our cars. Did you know running the a/c in your car decreases your gas mileage by about 20%? In terms of refrigeration, did you realize that Americans throw away 40% of the food we produce? We buy more because we have the space in the fridge, but we don't use it before it goes bad. How ridiculous is that? Owen points out that this waste also includes the energy required to store the food while you were not eating it, grow the food (considerable considering irrigation, fertilization, and other agricultural practices that are energy-intensive), and transport the food to your grocery store (refrigerated trucks and all that jazz).

It kind of breaks my heart that we are so wasteful and we think we're being efficient. I'm as guilty as anyone. My parents never threw away food if they could help it, because they grew up in post-Korean War Korea, where you didn't do that because there was never quite enough food as it was. I feel bad about throwing away food, but I also don't want to get sick by eating something that's gone bad. I have gotten better about not buying fresh food in particular if I won't have time to cook it, and it's admittedly difficult cooking for one. All the arguments about organic farming, buying local, etc, etc, don't do much if we throw away the food anyway.

I've digressed from the main point of the article. I don't really have a solution to the energy problem, and I can see that efficiency doesn't make us use less, but rather encourages us to use more. I suppose all I can do is my part to use less. This over-consumption is a part of our culture. My parents just upgraded their cell phones, and my mom commented that it's ridiculous they need to upgrade every two years, because the phones not only get out of date but also wear out. (The phone they used for the land line lasted probably 30 years before the poor thing just gave out. It lasted longer than the second phone they got for downstairs that had the answering machine.) But recycling cell phones is an issue and isn't easy. Where do they all go? I went to a talk a few weeks ago about energy-efficient cars (electric, hybrid, etc). But then what do we do with all the cars currently on the road? They aren't going to just disappear. And increasing fuel efficiency has just prompted us to drive more. Everyone wants to be a world traveler, have all the nice gadgets, and eat exotic food right here at home.

I feel vaguely like Codi Noline in Barbara Kingsolver's Animal Dreams, ranting at her senior biology class about the ozone and other environmental problems. We haven't come that far in the past 30 years, despite all the advances in technology and environmental awareness.

some bible verses.

2010-12-19T21:51:00.000-06:00

It doesn't surprise me when God rebukes me. But it does surprise me when He does it gently, lovingly.

Prov 16:33
the lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.
From Charles Spurgeon, "Morning and Evening"
You are meddling with Christ's business and neglecting your own when you fret about your lot and circumstances. You have been trying to do the providing and forgetting to do the obeying. Be wise and pay attention to the obeying, and let Christ manage the providing.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD,
And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God"?
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
[From today's sermon] Be comforted because God never grows tired or weary. In God's wisdom, He has an absolute plan for you, a perfect plan. And His timing is impeccable.

Mark 9:23-24 is how I feel most days.
And Jesus said to him, "'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes." Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

Luke 1:37-38. I want Mary's heart.
"For nothing will be impossible with God."
And Mary said, "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.

almost nostalgia

2010-12-01T16:31:00.000-06:00

can you be nostalgic for something that you've never really experienced? Sometimes I think I miss chemical engineering, but I can't tell whether I actually miss it, or merely miss the idea of it. And perhaps, I simply miss being able to say that I am a chemical engineer. (Or rather, that I am studying chemical engineering- I was never actually an engineer.)

I wonder if I got a more professional degree or certificate in chemical or food process engineering if I could get an industrial job. I've been saying for years and years I don't want to work for industry, but I have no idea what I'm talking about. Some days, I just wish I knew where I was going.

a cozy, a scarf, and the cutest little turtles you have ever seen

2010-11-16T22:41:00.001-06:00

Been busy knitting lately.

A mug cozy, take 2 for my sister's bridal shower (which is not until next April). The first one I made went to my future brother-in-law, when he and my sister were visiting earlier this month. That one was a ribbed cable (can't remember if I ever posted it here). This is just a ribbed pattern with knits and purls, a little different than your standard knit/purl rib. We'll see what else I come up with, and in what colors (they're a great stash-buster, especially because my "stash" is mostly leftovers from previous projects. I'm definitely not a "ooh, that's pretty yarn let me buy it!!" person, I'm a "how much of this yarn do I need for this project?" person.)

My Wakefield Scarf. I made it much wider than the pattern, and added some fringe to the end. I wanted to use up the entire amount of this yarn I had, and I succeeded. :) It's a lovely wool-silk blend, and it's the first really nice yarn (read: expensive) I've treated myself to. I used the first half of the skein for the swallowtail shawl I finished this summer, but already this scarf has gotten way more use. Simply because- when do I ever wear a shawl around?

Say hello to Sheldon #1. One of the girls at work pointed me to this pattern. I guess it started with one of the guys at work, his girlfriend made him one of these and he brought it into work as a desk decoration. Then my friend made one, she even made a mini version using sock yarn and size 0 needles. The shell comes off. It's adorable. I made these for a friend's baby shower, she's expecting a little girl in January. And since she already has a little girl (age approx 18 mo?), I made two. I could sit and knit these cuties all day.

Sheldon #2:

Sisters. :)

Current projects: more mug cozies, the tomato sweater from interweave. I finished those kitten mittens (a la "it's always sunny in Philadelphia"), and sent them to Nick. If he sends me a picture of the cats, I will post it, hopefully they aren't too traumatized. Future projects include a blanket for my sister's wedding present, and a few more baby shower gifts...

I would like to sit around and knit all day, except I don't think it would really make me as happy as I would hope. But I'm contemplating opening a store on etsy.com. Except my list of things to knit is already quite long. (People need to stop having babies. And stop getting married. Except, not really, because babies and marriages are wonderful things. I just wish I had the time to knit something for everyone.) And I have the suspicion that knitting is not really my calling in life. Not quite sure what my calling is. If someone tells you, let me know, cause I'm still searching.

I haven't been baking much lately. I made a batch of orange chocolate chip cookies a week or so ago (they were fantastic). And I have plans for a pumpkin cheesecake for thanksgiving. But it's hard to be motivated to bake a lot because baking is meant to be shared and it's best to share it when it's fresh but that's kind of hard for me to do right now. I don't want to give my friends stale cookies or leftover cake. Again, probably not my calling in life.

My dad told me the other day that he just wants me to find something (a tool, he said) that I can use to make a living. After that, I can do what I want. I am making a living, despite my parents' worries about me (parents are parents and they will always worry, is what I've decided). Is that enough? Can't figure it out. I'm not sure if that's enough for me, I always thought I would be doing something "more." Some days, despite the instant gratification from a well-knitted piece, I feel like I'm just missing something. But I can't quite figure out what...

On a light-hearted note, thanks to Becky for this clip that indulges my super nerdy side:

random little knits

2010-10-26T21:37:00.001-05:00

Recent adventures in knitting-land:

Fingerless gloves for my brother.

Look how excited he is:

He totally needs a shave and a haircut though.

Baby set of hat, sweater, and booties, for a friend's baby shower:

Kitten mittens for Nick. A la "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". He asked, I had time (and yes, they're a shorter version of the baby booties in the above photo). I only hope the cat doesn't get tortured too much.

a pick-me-up

2010-10-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

Caramel. A bit of sugar + heat. And it turns into this ooey-gooey goodness.

Add a little bit of red wine and it becomes this fantastic, complex but sweet mixture. Then add some chocolate and it's like heaven.

I have this recipe for a toffee apple tart that I'd previously improved by adding red wine to the toffee topping. Tonight I made it that much better by stirring some chocolate into the hot caramel sauce. And it was heaven on a plate.

I have about 1/2 cup of the caramel sauce left over. I could have poured it all over the tart, but then I wouldn't have any left to do things like dip the stickies made with the leftover pie crust and pour it over ice cream (another night). Or just spoon the stuff into my mouth.

My November issue of Food & Wine has a recipe for a caramel croissant bread pudding. Nigella Lawson, you are a genius. Stay tuned. I have frozen croissants waiting in the freezer for such a time as this (thank you, Trader Joe's). And I haven't even gotten to all the Thanksgiving recipes yet. I love the November issue.

Baking makes the world a better place. And it makes the apartment smell good. :)

empty my hands

2010-10-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that the rest of you are already aware of Tenth Avenue North. I've really enjoyed the songs they play on the radio, so I just bought two of their CDs off iTunes today. This song hits close to home, almost too close for comfort.

I've got voices in my head, and they are so strong
and I'm getting sick of this- oh Lord, how long
will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
my hands like locks on cages of these dreams I can't set free

But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find the letting go lets me come alive?

So empty my hands
fill up my heart
capture my mind with you

These voices speak instead, and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving in to them, please Lord how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
Will I find you brought me back to life?

So empty my hands,
fill up my heart
capture my mind with you

cause my mind is like a building burning down
I need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
my heart is just a prisoner of war
a slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for

So won't you empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with you

praying for this. Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you.

bold statements

2010-10-05T13:58:00.007-05:00

I have Chris Tomlin's "I will follow" in my head. It's an excellent song, and it makes me want to jump up and sing it at the top of my lungs.

But if you think about the lyrics, they are very bold statements.

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you.
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose,
I will follow you.

I am: timid, grumbling, demanding. Been reading Experiencing God, and he says that service to God is not like service to man- it's not merely knowing what to do and doing it; rather, it's allowing God to shape you and then use you. As he sees fit. No demands, no "this is what I'm good at, so this is how you should use me." But to be pliable like clay. And even after the pot has been shaped, fired, glazed, its use is at the discretion of the potter.

Is God sufficient for me? Honestly- no. There is so much that I want, so much that I think I deserve from this life. This is the most important lesson, and it is so hard to learn.

In you there’s life everlasting
In you there’s freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow

I want to be free.

On my birthday, I was having lunch with my mom. And she shared with me 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18- "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." She said that she had always accepted the second two parts- pray without ceasing, give thanks in everything. Those made sense. Always looking to God, and always grateful for what he gives. But rejoice always? Why should we rejoice if we are not happy, or if life is hard? But she said that recently that she's realized that she should also be rejoicing always, even when she doesn't feel like rejoicing. And she said that's what she wants for me too- to be able to rejoice always. Hopefully we can learn this together, my mother and I. What a blessing that would be.

what do you do when you can't find the sweater you want?

2010-09-22T21:28:00.007-05:00

Well, if you're me, you knit it.

I have a cute black bolero that I bought a few years ago to wear with a dress to a wedding, and I love it. Even more so because I bought it at a second-hand clothing store so only paid like $6 for it.

I've been looking for another bolero-ish sweater in another color but haven't found anything, so I modified the pattern for a baby bolero in Louisa Harding's book, Natural Knits for Babies and Moms. (By the way, knitted baby clothes are so freaking cute, but I can't help but feel like it's a bit of a waste of time, because they grow out of them so quickly. I usually knit baby blankets for baby presents, because I can never be sure if the baby will be the right size for a knitted garment at the right time of year.)

Anyway. I added a longer rib to the bottom because I realized it was too short as knit, and I also wanted to give the body a little shaping (I have some curves that babies don't). I also really wanted a sweater with capped sleeves, so I finally looked through the Knitwear Design Workshop that I bought a while ago and used their gathered sleeves. The sleeves are also short, about 3/4 length.

And I have to say, all in all, it turned out pretty well. :D I kept track of the pattern as I knit, and I just typed it up quickly here in case anyone was interested. (Of course, it will only probably be useful if you're about my size. This one was about 34" bust and 13" long. I would imagine it wouldn't be too difficult to modify for larger/smaller but I haven't done the math, sorries!) This is my very first sweater of (mostly) my own design, and I'm pretty stoked. Maybe someday I will get to the point of having an idea, making a sketch, and going from there, rather than modifying patterns, but for today I'm rather pleased with myself.

(to be fair, next time I would shorten the length of the shoulders more, maybe 15-20 sts on each shoulder rather than 25. I forgot to consider how much the edge ribbing would add.)

Next project: either a tomato sweater or some cute mug cozies for my sister's bridal shower in April (the mug cozies, not the sweater). And of course I'm still working on that Wakefield scarf...

hail and farewell

2010-09-18T22:17:00.006-05:00

So some of you know that on Labor Day, my pet fish of four years, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, passed to the big fishbowl in the sky. Mr. Darcy, you were an excellent fish, even though my sister accused you of having epilepsy and my friends nefariously switched you while I was gone for a week. You made multiple trips with me from Ithaca to Chicago, and even came to Boston at least once, and never once complained. I don't think I ever took a picture of Mr. Darcy. But I got used to having a fish to talk to (seems slightly less crazy than talking to yourself all day), so today I stopped at Petsmart and got a new fish.

say hello to Mr. Frank Churchill.

Katy asked me if I was going to call him Frankie. My response? No. His name is Mr. Frank Churchill. Obviously.

Let's hope that Mr. Frank Churchill has a long life, hopefully slightly less stressful than poor Mr. Darcy's.

projects

2010-09-14T21:36:00.003-05:00

a (possibly not inclusive) list of my current projects:

baking bread (I got the book Artisan Breads in Five Minutes A Day recently. Heather had it, I wanted to try it. I love fresh bread.)
oil painting
knitting (currently: a sweater. I'm making it up as I go along, kind of. Also, another scarf/shawl thing. Also on the list: mug cozies for party favors for my sister's wedding shower. Her shower isn't until April, there's plenty of time, and I'm not the only one knitting these.)
studying the New Testament
reading for Librivox (starting this up again. Next chapter: Section 20 of "The Antiquities of the Jews" by Josephus.)
reading in general (on my list: "Walking with God", "Experiencing God", "Restoring Joy", "The Pleasures of God", "When I Don't Desire God")

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to go to work and could just do fun stuff all day.

I have an eggplant in my fridge and a recipe for eggplant parm that I really want to try (will need to get some breadcrumbs). I just got my October issue of Food & Wine, and I really want to try to roast a pork loin. But (1) when do I have time for that, and (2) who would eat my roasted pork? Anyway.

lists

2010-08-18T15:11:00.004-05:00

personal data dump today.**

things to do if i had an infinite amount of time:
*make some crocheted, felted coasters
*learn needle felting (I suspect this will only require buying a needle-felting needle, and possibly a styrofoam block) and embellish previously felted coasters
*make some felted bowls. again, embellish with some needle felting.
*knit a bolero (I have it in my head that I will design this myself based loosely off a baby bolero pattern I have)
*try baking "hawaiian" bread. add some chestnuts, see if korean-style chestnut bread comes out of the oven
*make pizza (pizza margarita.)
*put together that skirt I have kind of sort of cut out (note to self: see if mom will give you her sewing machine that's gathering dust in the basement)
*get a blowtorch and some creme brulee ramkins. make creme brulee, torch them (don't forget the sugar in the raw)
*chocolate souffle?
*go to the Chicago yarn crawl. it ends this weekend.
*buy an actual pot for the basil plant? also, possibly buy more herbs. except I don't need to go shopping.
*finish that shawl
*watch the rest of season 4 of bones
*buy more cookie sheets

things that must get done sooner rather than later:
*read, read, read
*learn about dinosaurs (watch those training DVDs)
*clean my room. also, possibly the bathroom. (orange is not a natural color in the shower. soon it will turn black, and then where will we be? with a lot of mildew. yuck.)
*go to the grocery store
*change water in the fishbowl
*water the basil plant

** it kind of disturbs me that I just used the phrase "data dump". I'm starting to sound like my boss, this is not a good thing.

kimchi time

2010-08-06T20:37:00.005-05:00

So yesterday I stopped by the Lincoln Square farmer's market, a series of booths in the small parking lot outside the Western Brown Line stop every Thursday night in the summer. And I decided to buy a very large head of cabbage, because I've been wanting to try my hand at making kimchi. My mom makes cabbage kimchi pretty regularly- it's a bit easier/more forgiving than the traditional kind made with napa cabbage, and it lasts longer.

So, I started with this:

Step 1: make some paste. My mom uses glutinous rice flour, but I didn't have any, so I just used all-purpose flour. I'm going to say I used about 1/2 c water and 3 tbsp flour, but who really knows? (and this was WAY more than I actually needed). Set this aside, let it cool.

Step 2: cut up the cabbage into manageable pieces. Salt liberally. Recipes for napa cabbage kimchi tend to say to soak it in saltwater for 6 hrs - overnight, but it isn't really necessary here.

Step 3: assemble the rest of the ingredients. Scallions (green onions- I used 4), garlic (about 5 cloves), ginger (about 1.5 in piece), red pepper powder (the Korean kind, probably about 2 tbsp?), and fish sauce (maybe 3 tbsp?). I cut the scallions into about 1 in pieces, and minced the garlic and the ginger. [So I basically made these proportions up. The recipe I had said to use 1 tsp of garlic and ginger for 1 head of napa cabbage. I didn't think that was possibly enough, so I upped the amounts.]

Step 4: Add the above to the cabbage. I also added maybe 2 tsp of sugar. Mix it all together, adding about 3 tbsp of the paste as you do so. Adjust seasoning to taste.

Voila!

One head of cabbage got about 1 gal of kimchi. I hope it tastes good tomorrow, haha.

baby cupcakes, free to a good home ;)

2010-07-29T20:37:00.003-05:00

Chocolate cake, orange buttercream, topped with a dried blueberry.

I think I finally found a buttercream recipe that I like. American buttercream from the "Cooking for Engineers" site. Only downside is that the vanilla version is a bit more yellow than I'm used to (because the recipe includes the egg yolks). Can't win it all, I suppose.

please note: delivery not available. Sorry, no refunds.

oil painting

2010-07-28T20:25:00.003-05:00

So I took an oil painting class a few weeks ago (it was a 5 week thing), and came out with 4 paintings. Now the question is, what do I do with these? I also bought more canvases. Hmm.

Lesson 1: basic shapes

Lesson 2: still life

Lesson 3: different still life

Lesson 4: abstract

dobby socks and some fingerless gloves

2010-07-28T19:32:00.005-05:00

Dobby Socks:

Yes, I'm a Harry Potter fan. And who doesn't love Dobby the house elf, who will take all mis-matched socks he can get? I was determined to finally use up my stash of sock yarn (I use the word "stash" rather loosely- remnants would be a more appropriate word, I suppose, as these were the last bits of various skeins left after finishing other projects).

These were all toe-up socks. Once I started, I loved it. These were made with knitty's Figure 8 toe tutorial (the last example of starting a toe-up sock), on size 2 dp needles. I can't really tell you where the yarn came from, but it's mostly acrylic or acrylic/wool blends of sock yarn.

Rough sock pattern:

Start toe-up pattern with 8 loops on each needle, as described in the Figure 8 toe-up sock. Once you're knitting in the round, increase the toe until there are 48 stitches total. At this point, the toe is complete, and you can throw in a pattern if you'd like. Continue knitting in the round until the foot reaches the start of the heel/ankle.

For the ankle, repeat the following 2 rounds 7 times (62 stitches total):

round 1: k11, M1, K24, M1, k11.

round 2: knit.

For the heel:

On the next round, k6, turn. Repeat the following 2 rows until you're back at the original 48 sts:

Row 1: purl 11, p2tog, turn

Row 2: knit 11, k2tog, turn.

Join in the round again, knit in the round (continuing any pattern) until the ankle is at the desired length. Bind off all stitches loosely.

I kind of made up this heel because I didn't like how any of the heel patterns looked for toe-up socks. Now I have 6 lovely, mismatched socks!

fingerless gloves:

I actually made these a looong time ago (almost a year?) on the train to/from work. I use them at work all the time (more in the summer than in the winter because of the A/C). The pattern is knitty's Fetching gloves, but I continued the cables up the back hand of the glove because I like cables.

Currently working on the Wakefield Scarf, using the rest of my super-nice Helen's Lace yarn used for my swallowtail shawl. Once that's done, I'm going back to stash-busting, this time with something felted. I'm thinking felted bag, but we'll see.

wants vs. needs

2010-06-29T22:30:00.003-05:00

sometimes, I confuse what I want with what I need. Did I say sometimes? I meant almost always. (I would say "always", but I do think I have rare moments of clarity, by the grace of God.)

perhaps this is because if I only want it, then it's not essential, and there's a chance (a good one, actually) that I would not get it. And besides, wanting things that you don't need is selfish, isn't it? But if I need it, then the demand is justified.

and most of the time, I won't really admit to myself what I really want. Because my demands are selfish, and unbearably ugly, and I am deluding myself that I'm a nice person.

i can't really see what's coming next for me, but I have this sinking feeling that I'm not going to like it. Sigh.

currently re-reading (and re-reading, and re-reading- it was only in grad school that I realized this is not normal) Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver. She says, "Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier."

2010-06-21T22:20:00.002-05:00

Some days, I feel like I would very much like to go floating down a river, like Drew Barrymore does in Ever After. I don't like deep water, and I can't swim very well, but I love the feeling of floating on my back while my ears are plugged with water so everything is calm and muted. Minus the chlorine.

I need a good recharge, and I'm not quite sure how to get it.

knitty knitty

2010-06-20T23:08:00.003-05:00

Sara's wedding was this past weekend. And it was absolutely lovely.

I finished this about a month or so ago, but didn't post because I wanted it to be a surprise when she and Brian actually received it, using a pattern for an aryan sampler afghan. (For the non-knitting folks, a sampler afghan simply means it uses a variety of patterns, giving you a sample of each.) I mixed it up with a few different colors, rather than the monotone the pattern called for. I was also too lazy to do a thick border, sorry guys:

I also knit myself a lace shawl (the swallowtail shawl from interweave)

I need to re-block this. the edging is supposed to be peaked, and I didn't leave it long enough or pin it correctly or some combination of the two, because it looks more ruffled than peaked.

nutella chocolate chip cookies

2010-05-21T20:28:00.003-05:00

I was going to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, when I realized I didn't really have enough peanut butter. So I made these, kind of making it up as I went along.

1.5 sticks butter (12 tbsps)

1 c brown sugar

1 c white sugar

1 tsp (approx) vanilla

1/2 c (approx) nutella

2 eggs

2 c flour

1/2 tsp baking powder

12 oz chocolate chips

cream first five ingredients until smooth. Add eggs one at a time, blending well after each addition. Mix flour and baking powder, add to sugar/butter/egg mixture and blend. Stir in chocolate chips.

Drop by rounded teaspoon onto a cookie tray. Bake at 350F for approx 12 minutes. Cool on tray for a few minutes before moving to a cooling rack to cool completely.

Love.

note: next time, I might cut down the sugar slightly. 2 c of sugar is a LOT of sugar. On the other hand, they spread nicely and were chewy but crunchy all at once...

knitting

2010-05-18T22:05:00.003-05:00

I just fell in love with knitting again today.

Sunshine, in the book "The Shipping News", tells her dad, "It's kind of a trick, Dad, because it's just a long, long, fat string and it turns into a scarf."

It's like magic. I love it. It's just a long, long string, and you take two sticks and move it around, and voila! Scarves, lace, sweaters, socks, hats, gloves, mittens. And all from two simple stitches: knit and purl. Everything else is really just variations on a theme.

I like crocheting too, but I can do so much more with knitting (perhaps only because I've spent so much more time knitting).

Today, I started a toe-up sock. I may never knit a sock from the leg down again, mostly because I hate the kitchner stitch. (I don't actually know anyone who likes the kitchner stitch, most people I know just kind of put up with it because sometimes you just don't have a choice. Like at the end of a sock knitted from the leg down.) But knitty has a lovely tutorial on starting toe-up socks, and I really felt like the figure 8 method was magic. No slipknots even!

Anyway. My personal "use up my stash" project has commenced, and I'm starting with socks. I have no idea what to do with the odds and ends of worsted weight yarn. Especially because it's a mix of acrylic, wool, and wool blends. And an odd cotton blend thrown in there. Plus some baby-weight yarn. The hoarder in me won't let me throw anything away, even the scraps I only have a few yards of (you never know when you'll need it! and a few yards of yarn hardly takes up any space at all). Maybe I'll make a totally mis-matched blanket. Somehow, when you throw enough stuff that doesn't match together, it kind of works.

a reminder

2010-05-05T22:42:00.004-05:00

On mission, changing the world, and not being able to do it all

My friend Em posted this on her facebook today. I need to hear this over and over and over again. If I were completely honest with you, I would admit that I am still burnt out over the mess that was grad school. And I am staying burnt out because I believe I should be "doing something" with my life, and am frantically (frantically) trying to figure out what I should be doing. What the best use of my talents is. How to be fulfilled. How to be faithful. But maybe, just maybe, this is a time for growth. To receive, to be regenerated, and then (and only then), out of the fullness of grace (not out of my own intrinsic value or ability), to give.

Unfortunately, in many ways, it's easier to give than to receive. It takes less humility to give, and it satisfies pride more. Because then you have something to contribute, y'know? And it's hard (for me, anyway) to have a sense of identity in this world when you're not really "doing" something. If someone I just met asked me (as they often do) "so, what do you do?" could I simply say "I'm a Christian" and mean it? Currently, I hem and I haw, explaining "I'm an administrative assistant." (Then the inevitable question: what did you study? Answer: chemical engineering. Response: perplexed silence, or "oh, you must be really smart." I wish desperately that the general response was something else. Anything but "oh, you must be really smart." But that is for another day.)

I've been asking, praying, for quite some time- what now Lord? What next? And I think the answer is "stay put. I'll tell you what happens next when it's going to happen." And I don't really like that answer. Actually, I really hate that answer. But past experiences have shown that when it's on God's timing, things happen. And (for me, anyway) they happen fast.

But I need to be reminded that it's ok to not be saving the world. It's ok to not be maximizing my potential right now. Because, while I might have potential, I'm stuck. A nerdy illustration:

Figure and explanation at this blog: http://gravityandlevity.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/how-to-trap-a-particle-quantum-wells-in-1-and-3-dimensions-part-1/

I'm stuck in the well, without enough kinetic energy to get out again.

And, often, I ask- why is it so hard for me? Why don't other people have this kind of struggle? But maybe they do, and we all just don't talk about it. Or maybe mine is a little worse than average, and this is the cost of my sanctification.

But lately, it feels like surgery without anesthesia.

colorwork and entrelac

2010-04-12T22:09:00.006-05:00

I haven't posted about any knitting in a while. I should be getting ready for bed, but sleep has been a bit elusive and my dreams have been a bit restless (but that's another story for another day).

I made these fingerless gloves for my friend Katy's birthday (which was in February):

It was my first real attempt at colorwork knitting. Next on my list to tackle is a fair isle pattern, but I have another project to finish first. I could maybe claim that I designed the pattern myself, because I took my basic 4-needle mitten pattern and some graph paper to chart out this basic diamond colorwork pattern that I put together after staring at pictures on the internets. What would I do without the internets? I was at one point going to write up the pattern and post it, but I never got around to it. If anyone really wanted it, I might post it eventually.

Then, I made this entrelac baby blanket for one of the ladies in my small group:

It turned out much bigger than I had expected. Turns out 17 blocks of entrelac in each row is a lot. But it was still reasonable baby-sized, I suppose. My baby blankets keep getting bigger. I think the one I made for Kristina's baby was about 20x20 inches, the one for Keith and Heather's little one was maybe 30x20 inches, and this one was closer to 48x36 inches. Approximately. I didn't actually measure, since I finished edging and weaving in loose ends rather late the night before the baby shower. Actually, I never measured any of the baby blankets I've made. I don't quite see the point of measuring blankets- it's not like it has to fit anything. If it looks big enough, it must be big enough. And if it doesn't look big enough- well, hopefully they're like Kristina, who used it as a car seat blanket. :)

This project was my first real project with entrelac. I started then unraveled an entrelac scarf, mostly because with worsted weight wool yarn in dark purple and off white, it just looked... dowdy. (I actually used that yarn to make Katy's mittens- much better use of the yarn, I think). But I'll have to do better with the bind-off. Or just cast-on more loosely. Because (though the pictures hide this nicely) the bind-off edge was much looser than the cast-on edge, so the blanket isn't exactly rectangular. Que sera, sera. I just did a simple double crochet edging, one round in each color. I find I much prefer crochet for edging blankets, just because it's much easier to handle. And possibly faster, though I can't say for sure. But I'll have to do entrelac again. I think in the right colors and the right weight of yarn it would make a really lovely shawl.

But, for anyone who's interested, that blanket was an 8 stitch entrelac pattern, with 136 stitches cast on, worked for 23 tiers (including the bottom and top triangles). Baby weight acrylic yarn in pink and cream, size 6 needles. I can write out a more detailed pattern but it'll take up space. Again, if anyone wanted it I can pass it on. (It hardly counts as a pattern in some sense- just keep doing the entrelac until it's done.)

I really want to make a nice lace shawl. Only (1) I can't quite pick a color, (2) I have to either buy the right yarn online or go to the local yarn store (not Micheal's or JoAnn's) and the only time I can make it to the yarn store is on Saturdays, and (3) I have another project I must finish in the next month or so. I'm really a one-at-a-time kind of knitter. Maybe two, and that's only if I have a "stay at home because it's big and cumbersome" project and a "take it on the train" project. But I'm rambling.

And finally, not knitting but not really baking either: lemon curd vol au vents. I had the shells in the freezer from... umm... September? Baked puff pastry doesn't keep well, but it's ok.

Lemon curd recipe was from the joy of baking. I liked this recipe (though it's the first lemon curd recipe I've tried) because it only used whole eggs. I get tired of using only egg whites or only egg yolks. I like to be efficient with my baking, and I like to not have leftover pieces. At any rate, lemon curd is marvelous. And easy. It does hit the spot, but it's a different kind of spot than my typical chocolate craving. This would make a lovely tart filling, or even cake filling. With fresh berries, and whipped cream! I have a "strawberry shortcake" recipe that involves lemon curd folded into the whipped cream that sounds fantastic. The downside is that I don't think the assembled desserts would keep very long, and I'm all for the dessert I can make and keep in the fridge for two weeks without being left with a stale, soggy mess. This is part of the reason I love tiramisu- it gets better the longer it sits.

more quotes

2010-03-30T22:01:00.003-05:00

Back in Pittman I'd heard of a fairly well-to-do woman who made her fortune reading tea leaves and chicken bones, which she kept in a bag and would scatter across her kitchen floor like jacks. On the basis of leaves and bones, she would advise people on what to do with their lives. No wonder she was right. It seems like almost anything is better than having only yourself to blame when you screw things up.
- The Bean Trees, Barbara Kingsolver

Sometimes, I wish I were a writer.

Struggling lately. On multiple levels.

But click on the tag "quotes" on this blog. It's a good time, or at least, it was for me.

happy birthday daddy!

2010-03-24T21:28:00.004-05:00

Today is my dad's birthday. So I made him a cake. This time the frosting turned out much better than my last sad attempt at a birthday cake.

Vanilla cake, vanilla frosting. I used whipped cream flavored with a bit of green tea powder in the layers, but I still didn't have enough frosting to really cover the outside of the cake.

And that frosting worked better than my attempt in February, but it's so ridiculously sweet it's like a diabetes attack. I used this recipe from Gale Gand at the Food Network. I'm still searching for a good frosting recipe that's smooth and creamy without being uber-sweet. I think I might go for a cream cheese frosting, but replace the cream cheese with marscapone. I would do whipped cream, only whipped cream doesn't stay set long enough for my liking. I don't really want to use gelatin (and I've tried in the past- I must be doing something wrong because it never seemed to work quite right).

The cake was good, and has a very tight crumb, but I kind of prefer a more spongy cake, personally. I used this recipe from an old Daring Baker's challenge, but I replaced the lemon zest/lemon extract with vanilla and it was just fine.

Things to work on include my piping skills and my lettering skills. But my cakes are getting better! I even had enough energy to glaze the fruit on top so it didn't dry out. :)

quotes

2010-03-21T21:31:00.005-05:00

I'm still working through what I'm doing with this blog. Mostly it's been baking (mostly because baking happens on a much faster timescale than knitting). But here are two quotes for your contemplation:

9p.m. My flat. Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come back but then it is all the same. Suppose I have to make it different. But what am I going to do with my life?
I know. Will eat some cheese.
-Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason (Helen Fielding)

All my life you made believe I was only worth what someone would pay for me! But Christian loves me! He loves me, Harold. He loves me and that is worth everything! We’re going away from you, away from the Duke, away from the Moulin Rouge! Good-bye Harold.
-Satine, Moulin Rouge

The second one came to my mind as I drove to church this morning. The things that we do for love. Not only as in "for the person I love" but "because someone really loves me". What would my life look like, what would I be able and willing to do, if I understood the love of God?

Thinking, thinking about the things I want from my life. I would like to get married someday (preferably soon), I would like a job that doesn't make me want to jab a pencil through my thigh at least once a week (I'm being melodramatic, my job isn't that bad, but sometimes it's dull or mind-numbing), I would like love, respect, and admiration from the masses.

But the love of God? How many times do I say "oh, for the love of God!" and not consider what that phrase means. To be loved by God? To be beloved of God? To love God?

If you can? All things are possible to him who believes.

I believe, help my unbelief!

mk 9:23-24

pick me up

2010-02-27T17:16:00.006-06:00

The February 2010 Daring Bakers’ challenge was hosted by Aparna of My Diverse Kitchen and Deeba of Passionate About Baking. They chose Tiramisu as the challenge for the month. Their challenge recipe is based on recipes from The Washington Post, Cordon Bleu at Home and Baking Obsession.

Mmm. Tiramisu. I've been making tiramisu for a long time now. Ever since my sister hunted up this recipe to make at home, after my brother spent most of his time at the sushi buffet eating the little tiramisu squares at the dessert bar. At least, I think that's approximately when it started. Everyone thinks tiramisu is difficult and impressive- let me tell you, it's really not. It does take a little patience, and the knowledge of how to use a double broiler (or a pot of hot water with a heat-proof pan on top), but seriously, not difficult. A little time consuming, because it's the kind of dessert that gets better as it sits. But anyway, I digress. I love tiramisu, and I made it twice in the span of two weeks.

Anyway. This time, the challenge included making the marscapone cheese and making the lady fingers. So this one was a little more time-consuming, requiring some planning ahead.

I've tried this marscapone cheese recipe several times (who knew marscapone cheese was just heated cream? Why does heating the cream and adding some acid- lemon juice- then separating out a little bit of water turn it into cheese? It's like magic!) but it never seems to work quite right. I think I need more space between my sieve and the bottom of the bowl I let it sit in, because it took way longer than overnight for it to set, and that was after dumping out the residual water (whey?) twice. I had to use a smaller bowl in order to fit it in the fridge. And I gave up on trying to use cheesecloth- after I poured the curdled cheese into the cheesecloth, nearly all of it filtered through into the bowl, which didn't seem right at all to me. I used two coffee filters instead- maybe that's why it took so long to set, but at any rate, it worked.

I also don't think my ladyfingers rose quite as much as they were supposed to- not sure if the temperature was off in the oven, or what. But they still tasted good. I should have dipped them fully in the coffee mixture the first time, I was a little worried about them crumbling after reading other DB's comments in the forums, so I only dipped them halfway, but then the tiramisu was a little too cakey for my liking.

I've never made it with a pastry cream, so that was fun. And I don't usually put lemon zest in my zabaglione, so that was interesting. (I really need a zester.) But I really liked the slight lemon kick to it.

Assembled tiramisu

Mini tiramisu

Tiramisu take 2: this one I should have put in a 8x8 pan instead of a 9x13, and made 3-4 layers instead of just 2. I also left out the pastry cream and used the amount of zabaglione that I normally use, and it was lovely.

I am not very creative. I thought about doing a green tea version, with a dusting of green tea powder on top, but I wasn't sure that the tea would be enough oomph to dip the cookies into. And I'd love to try passionfruit, but nowhere seems to sell it. I'm also a stickler for following directions. ;)

Anyway. I could get into the habit of making my own marscapone cheese (so much cheaper than buying it), but I dunno if I want to take the effort to make my own lady fingers unless I have something special in mind. Different shaped tiramisu would definitely benefit from homemade ladyfingers.

happy birthday mommy!

2010-02-18T21:07:00.004-06:00

My mother's birthday was last Thursday, so I baked her a cake. I think this made up for the fact that both my siblings and I miscalculated her birthday and had convinced each other that her birthday was Friday. (This is the peril of keeping track of your mother's birthday via the lunar calendar- but we've never gotten it wrong before, I'm not entirely sure what happened this year.)

Anyway. It's just a vanilla cake with blueberries and vanilla buttercream. And kiwi and blackberries on top (the strawberries at the grocery store were not fresh at all). It tasted good, but the buttercream sucked. I'm giving up on real buttercream until I get a stand mixer that can handle it and incorporate the butter quickly enough. My hand mixer just doesn't have the horsepower.

See what I mean about the buttercream? It's not supposed to be grainy like this, but it's because the butter wasn't soft enough when I added it and it didn't melt into the meringue quickly enough. Bah. For my dad's birthday I'm going to go with a whipped cream frosting, it's just easier.

tiramisu kisses

2009-12-28T20:22:00.008-06:00

I decided to make french-style macarons again today, only I had trouble deciding on a flavor. Then I remembered the instant coffee in the cupboard, along with the marcapone cheese I had made a while back (when I was contemplating making canoli for the Nov Daring Bakers challenge- that never happened, mostly because I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner at our house, and who has time to fry canoli when all that's going on?).

So I made little tiramisu kisses. Coffee meringue cookies, sandwiched with a white chocolate marcapone filling and some chocolate ganache (because honestly, who doesn't like chocolate ganache?). I used a different macaron recipe from the Oct 2009 Daring Bakers Challenge, this time the one that came in my Dec Food&Wine by François Payard. He uses soft ball stage sugar to make the meringue, and I have a soft spot for Italian meringue after working at Sarah's. I omitted the red food coloring and added 2 tsps of instant coffee to the meringue before folding in the almond/sugar mixture.

The cookies turned out well, only some of them kind of exploded in the oven. The rest puffed beautifully and had the distinctive feet. My personal theory is that the cookies on the bottom tray (that kind of exploded) heated up too quickly and thus exploded.

Marscapone filling:

2 oz white chocolate, melted

8 oz (approx) marscapone cheese, softened.

-combine white chocolate with marscapone, mix well.

The assortment of cookies:

One that kind of 'sploded:

Perfect:

The only thing about french macarons is that they remind me of little hamburgers and thus I always have to remind myself that no, actually, they are sweet and fantastic.

gingerbread house!

2009-12-26T20:48:00.005-06:00

The December 2009 Daring Bakers’ challenge was brought to you by Anna of Very Small Anna and Y of Lemonpi. They chose to challenge Daring Bakers’ everywhere to bake and assemble a gingerbread house from scratch. They chose recipes from Good Housekeeping and from The Great Scandinavian Baking Book as the challenge recipes.

I finally got around to baking/making this today. Kevin and I were originally going to do some post-Christmas shopping, but then it was snowing and didn't stop. So I baked instead.

Okay. So I tried the recipe from the Scandinavian Baking Book first, but it was way too dry, and then I made the mistake of leaving it in the fridge for way too long and not wrapping it so that it was airtight. So that batch of dough went in the trash (sad). I wasn't feeling like trying that recipe again, and I didn't have the ingredients for the other recipe (I don't keep heavy cream on hand, though maybe I should), and since it was snowing (still) and the snowplows had not come by after they did at about 10:30 am, I used Google and found a recipe by Chris Broberg. This was simple, I had everything I needed, and the cookies tasted great fresh out of the oven. After a few hours, they had hardened up- good for gingerbread house-making, not so good for eating. But still, yummy. Kevin was dipping his gingerbread men in milk (I think it might work better in hot cocoa, since he soaked them for a while to get them soft).

Anyway.

I used a (very rough) hand-drawn template for my house:

Baked gingerbread house pieces:

Next step was the royal icing. I obviously didn't use enough egg whites, because the icing was way too stiff to pipe (at least out of a plastic bag- I'm working on getting some pastry bags and tips- as in, I asked for them for Christmas, but we haven't taken the effort to go out and get them yet. And yes, I realize it's past Christmas at this point). After it started flinging out of the bowl and covered my brother's sweater, I decided we were done. Since it wouldn't pipe, I used my hands. This was definitely a two-person job: I got my fingers sticky with icing as I slathered it all over the joints of the house, and my brother was useful and held the walls together until they could stand up on their own. As far as I know, the thing hasn't fallen apart (but I left it in the kitchen about an hour and a half ago, so who knows what may have happened by now).

Here's a slideshow of (part of) putting the house together. We used Skittles and Starbursts for decorations, mostly because I didn't have the forethought to get any holiday-related candy or food coloring (I keep forgetting we have no food coloring in the house). The Skittles and Starbursts are leftovers from Halloween. Halloween 2008. But Skittles and Starbursts are pretty generic, and it's not like I was planning on eating this house later anyway (I think my brother may have other plans).

What Kevin plans on doing with the gingerbread house when I'm not looking:

And here, for your viewing pleasure, is a rotating view of the house. I tried setting it to music, but it was way to large to upload (since I looped the video 11 times to make it last as long as the song), sadness.

This was a lot of fun. Maybe I'll do it again next year (possibly with icing that pipes properly). :)

merry christmas

2009-12-25T20:43:00.007-06:00

Little knitted gifts:

For my sister, a pair of mittens that open to be fingerless mitts:

I started from the pattern given on Knitty.com for their "Fetching" fingerless mitts, modified the cables, and added a mitten top and thumb cap.

A lacey scarf:

This one is the Juliet Scarf by Louisa Harding

A lacey beret:

This one is the Grace Lace beret.

For my brother, a knitted sweater. It looks best on a person, so here he is:

This was the Woven Bands Pullover by Hana Jason

For my mom, a knitted lace scarf:

Estonian Lace Scarf by Nancy Bush

For my dad, a knitted scarf:

Pattern from Cotton & Cloud

creativity and passion

2009-12-04T22:17:00.003-06:00

I came across this video in a friend's gmail status. Yes, I read your gmail status. And probably more often than you think, because I'm usually invisible when I'm on gmail, unless I'm bored or need to talk to someone.

It's a funny talk, and intriguing. About 20 min long, but I'd say it was worth watching.

I think I've been afraid to fail almost all my life. Or rather, I just hated feeling like a fool. I take criticism poorly. I take praise poorly too. How can you trust someone to praise you when they've just been criticizing you? And everyone criticizes, at least internally. Or perhaps, I criticize everyone internally, so I assume they do the same to me. When did I stop thinking of myself as creative? Ages ago. I feel like creative people are the ones who make art. I've tried to do art, and mostly I fail. Or rather, it never, ever turns out like I envisioned it, so I stop. I suppose knitting and baking are forms of art, but I follow patterns and recipes. I envy the knitters who write their own patterns, and the bakers who come up with their own recipes. It's true, I fear failure- who wants an experimental cake? or a crappy sweater? And then, if it turns out poorly, I feel like I've wasted my time. And I don't like having a physical reminder of the time I've wasted (I much prefer to waste time in less physically tangible ways- reading, putzing around on the internet).

I like ballroom dancing, but doing the little flourishes make me feel silly, and I feel awkward, not flowy. I like to sing, but I hate karaoke (though if I'm alone in my car I'll sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs if I'm in the right mood and the right song comes on). I'm incredibly risk-adverse. I will twirl in circles in my bedroom, but only with the door shut. I might try new things, but only very cautiously.

Apparently, Ken Robinson (Sir Ken Robinson, I suppose I should say) has written a book called "The Element: How finding your passion changes everything." I'm afraid that I don't really have a passion, and I'm afraid to try to find a passion because I'm afraid that I'll come back empty-handed. See, that fear of failure again.

Why isn't it okay to not have passion?

semi-edited stream of consciousness

2009-12-03T22:15:00.004-06:00

I got as far as 13,000 words on my NaNoWriMo project. Better than last year, still not 50,000. I have this tendency to give up when things don't turn out as I envisioned, I should have accepted from the beginning that it was going to be awful. Why do I always want to produce a great, polished, finished product? I often don't start things if I know they're going to be crappy.

On the other hand, 2 more scarves, lots of sewing in loose ends, and some blocking, and I will be done with my handmade Christmas presents. Let's hope the family likes them. Knitting is something that usually turns out as I envision. Occasionally there's a flop- I got rid of multiple sweaters that I've made that turned out... wrong... They ended up at Goodwill or the Salvation Army somewhere, I wonder if anyone bothered to buy them.

I want to be somebody, do something memorable, something "worthwhile" with my life. Is it worthwhile to be the support person in a research group, spending +25% of my time browsing the internet on days when there's nothing for me to do? I sometimes feel like I would much prefer doing manual labor as long as it kept me busy all day. There is something incredibly satisfying about seeing tangible results from a day's work. As opposed to sitting at a computer all day and trying to figure out when this grant is due, or did we miss that deadline?

So much of my life is motivated by guilt.

I am finally going to hear an entire production of Handel's Messiah on Saturday. I've only heard bits and pieces (and who hasn't heard the Hallelujah Chorus?). Really looking forward to that. The best thing about Christmas is the reminders of Christ. I still remember when we started studying Matthew at GCF, and Matthew 1:21 says "She will bear a son; and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." Why do I forget that, probably 300+ days out of the year? (And giving myself about 65 days is being very, very generous).

I have the first few bars of "For unto us a Child is born" from Handel's Messiah in my head. I have missed hymns and classical music, but I'm not as cultured as I'd like to be.

I want to go to the opera. Or the symphony. But I've been to the symphony, I've never been to the opera. I want to go back to all the museums in Chicago, and see. Though the last time I went to the Field Museum and the Museum of Science and Industry, the exhibits seemed a bit too juvenile for me, and that made me sad. When did science lose its appeal for me? It used to be so awesome to learn about why things worked the way they do. Now, I mostly just don't care. Or, I pretend to myself that I don't care, because I see that I could never understand it all. And I see that others know more than me, and I hate feeling stupid.

I'm a pessimist. When did that happen? Was I always a pessimist? Did I never have any "starry-eyed enthusiasm"?

I feel old and jaded, and I'm only 26.

projects

2009-11-14T12:03:00.005-06:00

I am 10,000 words behind on my NaNoWriMo project, and my story has no plot. I'm probably going to let it fall away and die, but then I feel like I'm always giving up and quitting when things get hard, and so I want to slog it out, but it's such an awful story (be assured that none of you are going to be allowed to read it).

I'm thinking about knitting Christmas presents this year. I've already gotten started on a sweater for my brother, and I'm pretty far along, actually. I've picked patterns for my sister and my mom (but who is to say if my mother will use/wear a lace scarf I make for her?) but I can't figure out what I could make for my dad that 1) he will wear and 2) I can finish in the time remaining until Christmas. Possibly a scarf. Which he might wear once, and then never wear again, but y'know.

Speaking of projects that have kind of fallen by the wayside, I have a skirt cut out and ready to sew, except my mom's sewing machine hasn't been used in so long that it's got issues. And since it's more of a spring/summer skirt, and it's no longer resembling anything like spring/summer (okay I lie- it's kind of springy today, 60F), I'm not motivated to work on that either.

And I have to clean the basement, call the Salvation army to get them to pick up a whole lot of stuff that we have to get rid of, and clean the house. Needless to say motivation is low.

On the plus side, I finally got the internet set up at home. Yes, my parents are finally on a high-speed internet connection, with wireless throughout the house. It only took forever, that's all.

Oh, and also on my list is to try to make my own marscapone cheese. Apparently, it's really easy. And cream is so much cheaper than marscapone cheese. Kind of in the mood to bake something, but kind of not, if that makes any sense at all.

french kissing

2009-10-27T20:20:00.004-05:00

The 2009 October Daring Bakers’ challenge was brought to us by Ami S. She chose macarons from Claudia Fleming’s The Last Course: The Desserts of Gramercy Tavern as the challenge recipe.

I've never made macarons before. Not to get them confused with macaroons, which are the American version made with coconut. These however, were fantastic. They're made with almond flour or meal (recipe here). And apparently they're really hard. Well- I didn't find them really hard to make yummy, but I did find it difficult to make them pretty. These are delicious- chewy, sweet, and almond. I do think that you have to think carefully about the flavors and filling, because I can easily imagine this becoming sickeningly sweet and therefore not as yummy.

Take 1: Plain almond macarons with an orange dark chocolate ganache filling. Okay, except bumpy and cracked.

Take 2, part 1: Green tea macarons with plain dark chocolate ganache filling. Better, but not as much rise, and still many were cracked. But these are definitely my favorite- not too sweet, and I love the green tea/chocolate/almond combination.

Take 2, part 2: cinnamon apple macarons with plain dark chocolate ganache filling. Almost complete failure. Some of them burned, almost all of them cracked- if not while baking, then while trying to remove them from the sheet. And they were a little on the sweet side.

Someone made a bacon macaron with cream cheese/cheddar filling. I don't know how I feel about that, because the cookie base is mostly egg whites and sugar. But it's intriguing. The one I really really want to try is a pumpkin pie macaron, but the grocery store was out of pumpkin. (I KNOW, right??)

2009-10-26T21:56:00.001-05:00

I love the Big Bang Theory so much sometimes.

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-20T22:33:00.004-05:00

I read an article once about how everyone wants to write a novel. Or at least, everyone thinks they can write a novel. I have definitely thought this.

Well, I tried National Novel Write Month (NaNoWriMo) last year, and failed miserably. The goal is 50,000 words. They don't even have to be good words, but I stopped after one night and about 1,200 words. Hahaha.

Anyway. I'm going to try again this year. And I don't promise to let anyone read what I have to write, but if you ever read a book and thought "hey, I could do that" well, maybe this is the thing for you too.

silly

2009-10-13T21:44:00.003-05:00

I need an outlet for Silly. I don't think I've been really Silly since I moved back home (this is where good roommates with an appropriate sense of humor and fun come in). I get this urge to- yell? scream? those aren't quite right, but make a loud noise, at any rate- occasionally these days, and it's this pent-up Silliness, I'm sure.

The kind of silly where you stand on the furniture, have your friends spin you in a swivel chair until you're dizzy, raid a playground at midnight, do cartwheels in the living room, watch youtube clips until someone can't breathe for laughing.

Of course, you can't be that kind of silly until you know the people you're around well enough (at least, I can't). Which is a problem, even being back home, cause I don't really know anyone well enough anymore.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just jump around and dance in my room with the door closed (when my parents aren't home, haha- third floor room and old house means a lot of noise when you jump around). Yell into my pillowcase. Or sing really loudly in my car and hope that the person one lane over isn't looking at me when we're stuck in rush hour traffic. Y'know, that sort of thing.

And there's this little thought that tugs at my mind saying you're 26. you're a grown-up, you have a "real job", you're supposed to be mature and stop being so silly. But that would be a sad, sad world to live in.

snug as a bug in a rug

2009-10-13T21:32:00.003-05:00

Finally finished my rug:

It's about 2.5 ft in diameter, a pretty decent sized rug. Though I sewed the tube together a bit too tight so it kind of curls up unless you pat it down when you pick it up and put it back down again.

My sister was like "why are you making a rug?? you should make something useful!" only seriously, what was I going to do with the colors that went into this rug? I certainly didn't have enough of anything to make anything else, and at least here the colors are supposed to be a little odd.

Projects: mittens for my sister, and possibly Christmas presents for the rest of my family. Not that it's easy to think of something to knit for my parents, because they don't really use any of the stuff I've made them in the past. :P

waiting

2009-10-04T21:21:00.002-05:00

Waiting for God is not laziness. Waiting for God is not going to sleep. Waiting for God is not the abandonment of effort. Waiting for God means, first, activity under command; second, readiness for any new command that may come; third, the ability to do nothing until the command is given.
---G. Campbell Morgan

vol au vents

2009-09-27T15:05:00.005-05:00

The September 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Steph of A Whisk and a Spoon. She chose the French treat, Vols-au-Vent based on the Puff Pastry recipe by Michel Richard from the cookbook Baking With Julia by Dorie Greenspan.

---

I've done homemade puff pastry before, but the cheater version where you grate frozen butter and mix it with flour and a little bit of water, and roll it out like usual. It's easier to incorporate the butter and the rise was pretty similar to the real thing. This one was much harder, and took much longer. I think it was worth the try once, but if I want homemade puff pastry again, I'll probably do the cheater version. Though I probably have about a pound of this stuff sitting in the freezer waiting for inspiration.

I really like puff pastry, but my main issue with it is that very few things you make with puff pastry last more than a day. And I much prefer sweets to not (because who in my house is going to eat not-sweets that I make?), but it was hard to think of anything terribly creative.

So the shells turned out nicely, and I filled them with a simple chocolate cream (really simple- instant pudding mix + milk + heavy cream) and fresh fruit. They were pretty, and yummy, but a lot of work for not very much. I dunno. Maybe someday if I get extremely creative, it will be something to experiment more with.

Vague thoughts about using the rest of the pastry for palmiers or similar cookies, since those last (and are delicious). But only vague thoughts.

I hope next month's challenge is more appealing to me. I guess the problem with this one was- who was going to eat it? I couldn't really transport it because then the pastry would get soggy and gross. I couldn't make a bunch and leave it for a week for my dad to snack on. It had to be consumed within a few hours of assembly, and that just isn't happening with my current schedule.

Anyway. Que sera sera.

computer expert

2009-08-28T21:33:00.005-05:00

I saw this comic the other day, and then the next evening my sister asked me for help with Endnote, then got frustrated that I didn't automatically know what was going on. My solution? "Google 'endnote pubmed' and see what comes up." Did we find the solution? Of course! Then I printed the comic out for her.

And honestly, that's how I get through my day at work sometimes. Only it's randomly searching through the computer filing system, more than figuring out strange programs.

But thankfully, after about a month and a half, I'm starting to feel comfortable at work. Or at least, not panicking and thinking "whyohwhy did I sign up for this??" And I'm not falling asleep every day on the train ride in (though sometimes I want to). But it's been a good time to knit a pair of fingerless mittens (since my hands are regularly cold at work) or read or do the crossword puzzle. I get all my news from the free RedEye "newspaper". Does it even count as a newspaper?

But still I wonder- what am I doing with my life? What will I be doing 5 years down the road? Who knows. I don't even really know what I'll be doing next year, though having a "real" job makes things a little less murky. Just a little.

dobos torte

2009-08-27T20:10:00.008-05:00

The August 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Angela of A Spoonful of Sugar and Lorraine of Not Quite Nigella. They chose the spectacular Dobos Torte based on a recipe from Rick Rodgers' cookbook Kaffeehaus: Exquisite Desserts from the Classic Caffés of Vienna, Budapest, and Prague.

----

This sounded fantastic- chocolate buttercream, thin layers of sponge cake, and hazelnuts. Though it turned out I didn't use that many hazelnuts (12, to be exact), since I didn't put any on the side of the cake.

I went for a square cake. It didn't turn out as prettily as I had envisioned- it never does. :P But it still tasted pretty good.

This was the first time I made a cake where you beat the egg whites and yolks separately, but it was a beautiful, light cake batter.

The cake was baked in layers- thin layers. I got a workout wrestling with the oven door, but I can get it to work with two heavy-duty oven mitts on and a bit of elbow grease.

Mmmm, chocolate buttercream.

The caramel topping was the hardest part, and I probably put way too much caramel on the cake (a cake layer, cut in pieces, with caramel poured over it.) I kept watching it boil, thinking "dontnucleatedontnucleatedontnucleate"- and it didn't. Perhaps the first time I've made a wet caramel where it didn't nucleate or burn. But this one had lemon juice in with the water and sugar, perhaps that helped? And I'm sure using superfine sugar helps too.

Anyway. I put it together, and added some raspberry jam, because who doesn't like chocolate and raspberries? cake-chocolate buttercream-jam-repeat.

I was not very happy with how the caramel pieces looked on top, I should have done triangles and put them around the edge of the cake but didn't think about it until too late. And the caramel was too thick on the cake, so it was difficult to eat. We have a stack of caramel pieces sitting in the fridge (the cake is gone).

I got 8 layers of cake out of the recipe, I think my layers were probably thinner than the recipe intended, but I think it worked pretty well. So my cake was 7 layers, plus the layer that was used for the topping.

On my baking wish-list is a piping bag with a set of pastry tips. I had a little buttercream left, where I could have done some pretty decorations but I don't have the tools. Also on that list is a stand mixer, but I think the piping bag + tips is considerably cheaper.

My torte did taste pretty good, but it wasn't stunning. Maybe the disappointing presentation detracted from the taste for me. Still, my dad liked it a lot (maybe he does have a sweet tooth after all).

2009-08-06T20:18:00.003-05:00

Sara mentioned on her blog how this whole working thing takes some getting used to. I take encouragement from that, and from all my other friends in the working world, and my mother, who have all told me that whenever you first start a job it sucks. And even more so when it's the first real job you get out of school. I feel like a wimp though- how did I ever survive high school??

Sometimes, I feel like I'm light years behind where I "should" be. Though to be honest, I can't quite imagine what that is.

But, I shall officially be full-time at U of C by Monday at the latest. Yay for that!

Life at home is life. My brother's back at school, it's kind of sad that I don't get to see much of my mom because our work schedules are offset by about 6 hrs.

But I get to see Shiyon tonight, she's in town for Eugenia's wedding. (Everyone I know is getting married. Okay, this is Not True. But sometimes, Not True and Feels Like It are hard to differentiate.)

I wish the door to our oven was not broken. I have an urge to bake something. But even if I did, who would eat it?

cookies and cupcakes

2009-07-28T19:21:00.006-05:00

The July Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Nicole at Sweet Tooth. She chose Chocolate Covered Marshmallow Cookies and Milan Cookies from pastry chef Gale Gand of the Food Network.

---

So, I'm at home. And so is my brother. This is the brother who said to me the other day "I'm so glad you love to bake!" And when I asked him why, he replied "because I LOVE to eat!!"

So when time came for this month's baking challenge, I asked him what he wanted, marshmallow cookies or milano cookies. He voted for the marshmallow first. (Then he realized that this would take a while, since the cookies had to bake, the marshmallow had to set, and the glaze had to set. He was mildly annoyed, being one for instant gratification. But he got all the cookies he could eat and then some, so y'know, sometimes patience is its own reward.)

Apparently, homemade marshmallows are little more than an Italian meringue with some gelatin in them. Who knew?

Anyway, these cookies are a not-so-sweet cookie topped with a dollop (that's such a nice word, "dollop", hehe) of marshmallow, dipped in a chocolate glaze. They were pretty good. Real marshmallows stay sticky though, who knew?

Pre-dipping:

a tray of extra marshmallow:

Dipped cookies:

I really wanted some white chocolate or something to drizzle over these, but alas, we had nothing I could think of to use at home. Que sera, they were good anyway.

So, at home, I'm dealing with my mother's oven, which is broken (the oven works fine, it's the door that requires two people to shut it after you open it), so I made these cookies in the toaster oven. It's a nice toaster oven, and fairly large as toaster ovens go, but it's still just a toaster oven (I have to be careful, I might hurt the toaster oven's feelings). And so I only baked about a third of the cookie dough for the first round. Then I got lazy, and made squares instead of circles (easier to cut) and made s'mores. I just cut up the tray of leftover marshmallow and sandwiched them between cookies and orange chocolate ganache (leftover from the milano cookies). They were pretty good, except the cookie part was too thick. I'll have to go thinner next time.

s'mores:

I did eventually make the Milano cookies as well. I love Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. And now I know how to make them. This time I had my brother help me wrestle with the oven, so the cookie baking went much faster, but since the oven door doesn't open well and the glass window needs serious cleaning, I ended up burning a lot of these, how sad. However, they were delicious and tasted pretty similar to the pepperidge farm cookies. My sister was home last week and tried some and was like "huh. this actually tastes like a milano cookie. good job." Actually, I got the same response from everyone in my family. Let's be fair, they don't actually know what I mean when I say "I like to bake" because I got really into baking in grad school. And I don't bake at home as much, mainly because the oven's broken.

A tray of milano cookies:

My brother decided that this would be a good arrangement for the cookies. Hardy-har-har.

And then, I had 8 egg yolks left over (plus a good deal of orange chocolate ganache). So what did I do? I made sponge cake. Or more accurately, sponge cupcakes.

vanilla sponge cake with an orange chocolate ganache topping.

Even my dad likes the cupcakes. And my dad isn't a big sweets fan.

fin.

a story

2009-07-19T20:14:00.003-05:00

The pastor at church today used the video below as a sermon illustration. A lot of people laughed at the end of it, but it made me kind of sad. How many times have I done the same thing on Sunday morning? I did something similar this very morning, when I couldn't find my brother when I wanted to head out the door (turned out he was in the downstairs bathroom and couldn't hear me yell "KEVIN!!!!").

It amazes me how much grace I need just to live.

on the graciousness of God

2009-07-16T21:17:00.005-05:00

So maybe you've heard, maybe you haven't. But I have a job. Mostly, anyway.

I interviewed with this research group at the University of Chicago last Friday (has it really only been a week?). I did one phone interview before I left Ithaca, and I did another right after I got home. And, after a very long day on Friday, they basically offered me a job, and I kind of started yesterday. The position title is "science editor" for a large research group (~20 grad students + post docs), and I'll be editing journal manuscripts, grant proposals, grant reports, etc., and doing the admin assistant kind of stuff for the PI*. It's almost perfect, in terms of my background and my personality.

I started yesterday, kind of. The woman who does this job currently is there until the end of August, so for the moment I'm a temporary employee. But I haven't really started, since for the past two days I've been going through a writing manual, and will be doing some editing exercises, because my writing skills are not quite up to par. This isn't really surprising, because people who are very precise about scientific writing are (unfortunately) rare, but this PI happens to be one of those people. I feel... not as ecstatic as I might about this job, because I feel like it's almost conditional on my at least making significant progress in writing and editing by the end of this month.

But still, God is so gracious. I wasn't home for a full week before I had a job offer. And a really fitting job, too. I don't know how long I'll be doing this, I don't know what comes next. And even this anxiety about my writing skills- it's a "trust God" kind of thing, isn't it?

But even just two days at this job, and I'm really tired. Reading and staring at a computer screen all day gives me a headache, and the 2-hr commute doesn't help.

Even when I think I have faith, I find myself needing more. I'm still afraid of failure. I hadn't really told a lot of people about this because I've been afraid the PI will say "well, Heidi, you're very smart, but you're writing sucks and we need someone better." And it could still happen. But God has yet to prove himself unfaithful to me, and so I cling to that.

*For all you non-academics, PI = Primary Investigator, or the professor who leads the research group.

book recommendations?

2009-07-08T21:17:00.002-05:00

I'm looking for a book to read. Specifically, a Christian book to read, something good for spiritual development, good for thought. Possible authors who pop into my head include Henri Nowen, Jonathan Edwards, John Piper, CS Lewis, JR Packer. I know a lot of you who read this will have some suggestion- tell me what you're reading, or what you've read.

echoes

2009-07-03T16:40:00.005-05:00

My room echoes. There is nothing left of my furniture but my mattress, but it's been echoing ever since I started to pack, taking down posters, removing bookshelves, etc.

I am leaving bright and early on Sunday morning. I have spent almost exactly 3 years and 11 months in Ithaca. I moved here mid-August of 2005. 2005!

My time here was not at all like I envisioned. Though, to be honest, I didn't really have much vision other than finishing graduate school. Which I did, though not quite as expected.

God broke me, is still breaking me. I am afraid of going home and reverting to my high school self, living with my parents again. I am not looking forward to not having space. I am afraid of not being able to sustain any changes in self that God has wrought over the past almost-4 years. But I suppose that is the point- I can't sustain any changes that God may have wrought in me over these past few years, because it is God who brought those changes about, and God who will have to sustain me still. This, too, to sanctify me further.

It's sad, leaving. But at the same time, I think I'm finally ready. There are still issues of pride to deal with, especially with going back and running into high school people. Though, now that I think about it, I suppose it was always that I assumed that I would be "more successful" than everyone else, and probably not that they even thought about me much (or perhaps they also assumed that they would be the more successful ones, so my current situation won't be a surprise). But, even as my heart gives a little gulp every time I have to tell people "oh no, I'm not getting my PhD, I decided that wasn't the way to go for me," I am much more ready to deal with it now than I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. And I am grateful for the grace given to me, a grace period in which to come to terms with myself, before having to deal with everyone else. God is so gracious, and I am thankful.

Grace that has manifested itself in my life in the following forms:

- awesome roommates

- good friends, to be silly with but also spiritually serious with

- KCCE, Pastor John's sermons, meeting with Shiyon twice a month

- time, to reflect and meditate (though I've probably wasted much of this)

I have no idea what even the next month will hold. I have only vague ideas of how next week will turn out. But I'm realizing that that's okay.

And so, sweet home, Chicago.

bakewell tarts

2009-06-28T20:28:00.008-05:00

The June Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Jasmine of Confessions of a Cardamom Addict and Annemarie of Ambrosia and Nectar. They chose a Traditional (UK) Bakewell Tart... er... pudding that was inspired by a rich baking history dating back to the 1800's in England. Recipes are on the host blogs.

---

Alrighty. I think I mentioned that I joined The Daring Kitchen, which has monthly baking challenges and monthly cooking challenges. This was this past month's Daring Baker's Challenge (which I think I was supposed to post yesterday, which was the reveal date, but I totally forgot).

I made mini bakewell tarts. Mostly because things in miniature are awesome (in my opinion). These appear to be pretty similar to the baked tarts they sell at Sarah's, where I was working (my last day was last Thursday, how sad), in terms of pastry crust + fruit (jam here) + almond cream (frangipane). I made these for Bible study snacks for GCF, they disappeared pretty quickly.

I stood in the jam aisle at Wegman's to figure out what to use. I wasn't quite in the mood to make my own jam (though I did do that this past weekend with the roomies, we made strawberry freezer jam but that's another story). I decided for blackberry, plus some canned pears, and some chocolate (not all together, as you'll see in the pictures below). Emily has rubbed off on me, I couldn't just use pear jam (though pear + almond is a pretty delicious combination), because then the whole thing would've been beige.

So, pre-filling:

blackberry jam

blackberry jam + canned pear slices

chocolate chips

Coming out of the oven:

I put an almond slice on the plain blackberry ones- I think this caused some confusion at bible study, cause these were the most that were left.

And a little pear slice on top of the blackberry-pear:

And a little chocolate chip on top of the chocolate ones:

They were, suffice to say, delicious. I will have to make these again sometime. Perhaps a larger tart next time, but I love bite-sized things. They're just that much cuter.

And so pretty inside!

I had a lot of dough but only a little bit of frangipane (the almond cream filling) left, so I made this free-form "large" tart- by large I mean it was probably about 5 inches in diameter. A layer of jam, some pear, and almond filling. Mmm.

I made 1 batch of frangipane but 2 batches of the shortcrust pastry dough, to make 48 mini-tarts. (This makes sense, since when you reduce size, for the same volume [frangipane filling] you'll increase the surface area [pastry crust]. See, some of my education is occasionally useful. Only occasionally.)

I guess it's official

2009-06-19T17:59:00.003-05:00

I'm moving back home at the end of the month/beginning of next. I have officially heard back from all the actual interviews I've had, and none of them have come through. C'est la vie.

I feel... okay about this, I guess. I had a good brunch with Sara yesterday, and she said the same thing that Shiyon has been saying to me for months now- this is God's way of teaching me to place my identity in Him alone. Sometimes, I wish it was... not like this. But who am I to question? Sigh.

I was re-reading Anne of Green Gables this morning, and I found some encouragement. It really is the little things in life.

"I'm pretty hungry this morning," she announced as she slipped into the chair Marilla placed for her. "The world doesn't seem such a howling wilderness as it did last night. I'm so glad it's a sunshiny morning. But I like rainy mornings real well, too. All sorts of mornings are interesting, don't you think? You don't know what's going to happen through the day, and there's so much scope for imagination. But I'm glad it's not rainy today because it's easier to be cheerful and bear up under affliction on a sunshiny day. I feel that I have a good deal to bear up under. It's all very well to read about sorrows and imagine yourself living through them heroically, but it's not so nice when you really come to have them, is it?"

---

"Do you know," said Anne confidentially, "I've made up my mind to enjoy this drive. It's been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will. Of course, you must make it up FIRMLY. I am not going to think about going back to the asylum while we're having our drive. I'm just going to think about the drive. Oh, look, there's one little early wild rose out! Isn't it lovely? Don't you think it must be glad to be a rose? Wouldn't it be nice if roses could talk? I'm sure they could tell us such lovely things. And isn't pink the most bewitching color in the world? I love it, but I can't wear it. Redheaded people can't wear pink, not even in imagination. Did you ever know of anybody whose hair was red when she was young, but got to be another color when she grew up?"

little women

2009-06-17T15:06:00.008-05:00

"When do you begin your great work of art, Raphaella?" he asked, changing the subject abruptly after another pause, in which he had been wondering if Amy knew his secret and wanted to talk about it.
"Never," she answered, with a despondent but decided air. "Rome took all the vanity out of me, for after seeing the wonders there, I felt too insignificant to live and gave up all my foolish hopes in despair."
"Why should you, with so much energy and talent?"
"That's just why, because talent isn't genius, and no amount of energy can make it so. I want to be great, or nothing. I won't be a common-place dauber, so I don't intend to try any more."
"And what are you going to do with yourself now, if I may ask?"
"Polish up my other talents, and be an ornament to society, if I get the chance."

That quote has been on my mind lately. But, unlike Amy March, I don't have a nice, handsome, rich young man waiting in the wings to get over his first love and fall in love and marry me.

I am mentally weary.

ETA:

Found this quote from J.I. Packer on my facebook profile (see, it helps to read what you list as your favorite quotes occasionally):

By every human standard of reckoning, the cross was a waste- the waste of a young life, a prophet's influence, a leader's potential. We know the secret of its meaning and achievement only from God's own statements. Similarly, the Christian's guided life may appear as a waste- as with Paul, spending years in prison because he followed God's guidance to Jerusalem, when he might otherwise have been evangelizing Europe the whole time. Nor does God always tell us the why and wherefore of the frustrations and losses which are part and parcel of the guided life.
-- Knowing God (J.I. Packer)

a hint? an idea? none of the above?

2009-06-15T13:54:00.003-05:00

Shiyon sent me the link to this NYT article about a chef in California who works to train homeless men, men recovering from drug addiction, etc, in the kitchen while making meals at a soup kitchen.

One of the kitchen managers at Loaves and Fishes used to work as a chef at Stella's. (Don't know when or for how long or why he left or why he works at Loaves and Fishes or how long he's been at Loaves and Fishes, he just mentioned it once in passing when Stella's was dropping off a donation.)

There's a bakery in Chicago called Sweet Miss Givings that does essentially the same thing as the chef is doing in California, only training in baking rather than cooking. And they sell their food for a profit, as opposed to running a soup kitchen. (Much of their profit gets put back into the community.)

CRAM worldwide, inc has a bakery in China that I visited when I was there in 2007, that trains disabled teenagers to work so that they would be able to find jobs when they're on their own. (Not entirely relevant aside: I would LOVE to learn how to make those delicious red bean buns and cream buns that they make at asian bakeries. SO GOOD.)

It just makes me go hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

miscellany

2009-06-08T15:12:00.009-05:00

Thanks to facebook, I finally heard about the 2 American journalists who have been detained and on trial in North Korea. They've been sentenced to 12 years of hard labor. One of them has a 4 year old daughter. And apparently they've been detained since March 17- where have I been??

I live in a bubble sometimes.

I finally went to the kcce missions website again, and saw the full list of where people from our church are going this summer. My goal was to pray for them, to get out of myself, but it's so hard to break out of self-centeredness. At least, it's hard for me.

There are so many needs beyond my own. But my God is one who can and does care for all of those needs.

Reading The Simarillion with some friends from grad school this summer- I love Tolkien, and Lewis. You can't really beat them for good, solid fiction. Though I confess, sometimes I like ridiculously fluffy fiction. (I re-read a Dan Brown book I have recently, and it's such trash. Yet I like it, I re-read it. Why do I like such trash?? And Sophie Kinsella and her Confessions of a Shopaholic series. Also trash, though better- in my opinion- than Dan Brown.) CS Lewis quote- "if you do not read good books, you will read bad ones." So true. I need to be better about this.

And I meant to catch up with people this weekend, that never happened. To call a friend who called me like two months back, to write some letters (real letters, not emails). There's something incredibly satisfying about real letters. But I'm incredibly bad about keeping in touch with people. That whole self-centeredness again. It's too easy to push aside keeping in touch with people who are not right in front of you. I don't even keep in touch with people who live in the same town with me sometimes.

Both issues- remembering to pray for other people, other nations, other things that are disconnected from directly affecting me; and keeping in touch with people- require, I think, a lot of grace. I cannot love people on my own. To be quite frank, I do not care about other people. And I'm too lazy do more than keep up appearances. I am surprised, often, at other people's caring questions about me, what they remember about what I'm going through. I'm surprised when they tell me that they've been praying for me, and a part of me is skeptical. And then I feel guilty because I don't care for them as much as they seem to care for me. Maybe it's all an act on their part, but it's a very well done act if it is so, and I don't deserve such kindness. But that, too, is grace.

Praying for grace. Some days, I'm very weary of who I am, and I wish it was easier, faster, to become the person I would prefer to be.

But here's a quote, from L.M. Montgomery's Rilla of Ingliside:

"Oh, Miss Oliver, what would it be like not to wake up in the morning feeling afraid of the news the day would bring? I can't picture such a state of things somehow. And two years ago this morning I woke wondering what delightful gift the new day would give me. These are the two years I thought would be filled with fun."
"Would you exchange them—now—for two years filled with fun?"
"No," said Rilla slowly. "I wouldn't. It's strange—isn't it?—They have been two terrible years—and yet I have a queer feeling of thankfulness for them—as if they had brought me something very precious, with all their pain. I wouldn't want to go back and be the girl I was two years ago, not even if I could. Not that I think I've made any wonderful progress—but I'm not quite the selfish, frivolous little doll I was then. I suppose I had a soul then, Miss Oliver—but I didn't know it. I know it now—and that is worth a great deal—worth all the suffering of the past two years. And still"—Rilla gave a little apologetic laugh, "I don't want to suffer any more—not even for the sake of more soul growth. At the end of two more years I might look back and be thankful for the development they had brought me, too; but I don't want it now."
"We never do," said Miss Oliver. "That is why we are not left to choose our own means and measure of development, I suppose. No matter how much we value what our lessons have brought us we don't want to go on with the bitter schooling."

Boston again

2009-05-28T13:48:00.005-05:00

I really hope that after all these trips out to Boston, I have a job offer (I only need one!) at the end of all this, but you never really know.

I am going out there again this weekend, to do a teaching demo at the charter school I interviewed at two weeks ago. I think they want me to teach three different chemistry classes (!!) at three slighly different levels. And three different topics. Eeep.

So, I guess that's what I'll be doing tonight and tomorrow, prepping classes. Sigh.

In the meantime, I'm baking cookies. I have coffee crunch bars in the oven right now, and I'm thinking about making some lemon ginger cookies. I have this crystallized ginger I bought, thinking it'd be a good snack, but the ginger is too intense for me to have more than about two pieces at a time. (Of course, this recipe only calls for 2 tbsp of chopped crystallized ginger, that's not an awful lot.)

Okay, so they only need me to teach one class (that makes so much more sense). Water and aqueous systems, woot.

And these lemon ginger cookies are yummy. :)

a photo update

2009-05-25T12:24:00.005-05:00

On my drive to Boston, not last weekend but the weekend before, it was raining pretty hard and I saw all sorts of rainbows. Absolutely gorgeous. I even saw a double rainbow at one point, but couldn't get a picture. Rainbows always make me think of Noah, and God's promise after the flood, and thus they always make me smile. (I also always think of an angle of 42 degrees, after that awful physics proof we had to do junior year in high school with Mr. Rylander.)

---

I've been in a baking mood, so this past weekend I made a swiss roll. It's basically a simple sponge cake, with strawberry jam inside, rolled up. Much easier than it looks. It tastes okay, nothing stellar. I have recipes for chocolate rolls, which I want to try, but that requires things like baking chocolate that I didn't have on hand. However, since this was so easy to roll up, I won't be intimidated by the idea of it and might make it sometime.

I joined this website called the Daring Kitchen, and they have a monthly baking challenge and a monthly cooking challenge. I plan on doing both, but we'll see how time works out. It seems like a fun and exciting way to get new recipes. Next week (I think?) I get my first baking challenge, yay!

---

I borrowed Joe's ice cream maker to make strawberry sorbato for these floats (which, by the way, were pretty fantastic), and I still haven't returned the ice cream maker (I will, soonish). Ice cream maker has made it on to my list of "appliances I want to own someday". Also on this list are a washer/dryer set, a stand mixer, and a sewing machine. About in that order, I think. Ice cream maker may be before or after sewing machine, I haven't thought it through that much. I made some mango ice cream, which turned out to be ridiculously easy and really really good. (My goal was actually to make a mango gelato, but I still haven't determined what the difference is between gelato and ice cream in terms of ingredients or technique. So I'll just call it ice cream to be safe.)

Recipe:

2 cans (14 oz? maybe?) of tropical mango (in the international foods aisle at Wegman's) in light syrup

1.5 c half and half

1. puree mango (with syrup) in a blender

2. strain to get all the fibery stuff out

3. mix with half and half

4. put in ice cream maker, churn until ready, freeze until firm.

I suppose I could've used fresh mangos, but the other recipes I found (yay google!) told me to take fresh mangos and combine with hot simple syrup, I figured the effect was the same as just using canned mangos in light syrup (which is just sugar and water, same as simple syrup, I checked the ingredients on the can first).

---

My latest knitting project is a knitted rug, made out of leftover yarn from the half a dozen (or more?) blankets I've made over the years. I have a small dresser filled with yarn and knitting supplies, I've got to use it up somewhere. I also have a crapload of sock yarn, but I'm not quite in the mood for knitting socks. Must think of other things to do with sock yarn... In the meantime this is keeping me busy, though I'm running out of ideas for color combinations, and I think it needs to be several feet larger in diameter before I'm through.

Safety pins are holding it in place, so that I can see how the colors look as I go. I envision at least a 3 ft diameter rug, but possibly larger if I can make it.

2009-05-20T09:17:00.004-05:00

Well, back. And really rather tired. Interviewing is rather exhausting. Traveling like this is so tiring.

I have no idea what's going to happen. I am afraid that while everyone was nice, etc, they're going to call or email and say "you're credentials are great, but we're really looking for someone else who has xyz."

And, honestly, I'm afraid that I won't be able to do a very good job at either teaching or being an engineer. I don't like running lab in the classroom (or, really, wherever), and I haven't looked at a P&ID or a PFD since my senior design sequence. Sigh.

Really, I would like to keep the status quo. But that is not feasible, not least because the lease on this apartment is over July 13th. And change is not really a bad thing.

I should probably send thank-you emails to the people I interviewed with this weekend. I hate this part of the job search, it feels disingenuous. But this is the game we play, I guess.

I'm craving thai food. Hmmm.

interviews

2009-05-15T07:51:00.002-05:00

Not one, but two at the start of next week. At the girls' school on Monday morning, at an engineering company my former groupmate works for on Tuesday morning.

I need to write a lecture for the interview at the school, but I don't know what topic they want me to teach yet (it's going to take place of one of the girls' normal classes). Intimidating, yeah?

But, these are good things, right? Never mind that it's two interviews for two completely different jobs, one right after the other.

Maybe God is telling me to move to Massachusetts, since I've applied to everywhere and that's the only area that's responding.

angst

2009-05-13T08:01:00.004-05:00

I have a phone interview with an all-girls' private school out in Wellesely, MA in about 15 min. That, however, is not exactly what I'm feeling angsty about.

I had an interview on Monday with another school, where I went out to see the school and meet the superintendent face-to-face. That one was a charter school in Malden, MA (just outside of Boston), and I actually rather liked the school. Both the schools are to teach high school chemistry.

Then I had a phone call from a friend in town who works with the N American side of an Indian biorefinery company, and I met up with him yesterday to discuss possibly joining. This would be "real" chemical engineering, plus probably half a dozen other things, because in the N American office it's basically just Trevor. They're working on a DOE grant for a US biorefinery, and if that goes through there will be a lot of work, but it would be like a pseudo-startup, and job security would be a little meh, though it appears that the company is growing quickly. (This is also not an official opening, but the feeling I got was that if I was really interested and they were really interested, we could make something work.)

And I just got an email from the HR person at a company a former groupmate of mine works at, saying that my credentials are "impressive" and she'd like to get me out there for an interview.

And I just feel like- ack. I don't have an actual offer from anyone, just interest. And my CV is good at generating interest, then people meet me and I get the email/phone call saying "you're credentials are impressive, but we're looking for someone with more experience" or some such thing.

But... what do I want? Do I want to teach HS chemistry? Do I want to get experience in real chemical engineering? I could probably do real chemical engineering and then go teach, but possibly not the other way around. Unless of course I go back to school for more degrees. (At this point- uck.) I don't really know what I want, which doesn't help the interview process because I need to be all enthusiastic about whatever organization is considering me, and if I'm not sure if I want the job it shows.

I should be grateful that I have interest in my resume. But it's also discouraging to always be generating interest and then not getting very far.

I might be in MA again next weekend, interviewing. Sigh.

facebook and friends

2009-04-28T20:15:00.003-05:00

So there's this application on facebook called touchgraph photos, and this is my map of my "top" 100 friends. The groupings are a little snapshot of my life, really. College friends are 2 categories- IV (lt green) and not (peach). Grad school friends are 3 categories- GCF (orange), KCCE (pink), and the ChemE department (yellow). Then there's a small section for HS friends (blue), and a smaller section for people I went to China with in 2007 (purple).

This is exactly how my life is compartmentalized. So little overlap between friend groups. And I've often felt like I'm a completely different person within a different group (which I probably am). And of course, the people who showed up first on this map (it defaults to 50 people) were not necessarily the ones I'm closest to, but the ones who either have a lot of facebook friends (so we overlap a lot) or who randomly have some of the same friends from different networks. Such as Scott, who I haven't really spoken to since I graduated from Rose, but knows some people in KCCE somewhat randomly. Or John and Tim, who just happen to be brothers, and one I met at Rose and the other I know at Cornell. Or Yelee, who I never really kept in touch with (except via facebook) after HS, who at some point went to church with Eugenia, who I met my first year at Cornell, at KCCE. Why did Brian end up on here, when I really have not spoken to him since high school, and possibly not even much then? And Andy is apparently friends with Lizzie, when I didn't even know they knew each other.

The internet is an interesting thing. I sometimes wonder what it is doing to my life.

words

2009-04-27T16:34:00.003-05:00

Words are more damaging than I ever consciously realized. You would think that by now I would know this. I need to be more careful with my words. And not necessarily just with what I say, because honestly I don't actually say a lot. It's email, and blogging, where I need to be careful and not just write what I think in my head.

Humans are interesting, in that we communicate with words. How much damage do we do by carelessly speaking what we happen to be thinking at the time? Or by pushing the "send" button too soon?

I need to be more conscientious about what I write, in particular. I need to give myself time to respond to emails, and time before I post something on this blog, because otherwise I end up being careless.

I think that is one of my greatest faults, carelessness. Which is rooted in selfishness, which is rooted in pride. Or something like that.

on cheese puffs and blankets

2009-04-24T10:50:00.007-05:00

Classic Gougeres

Cheese puffs- I used cheddar instead of gruyere cheese, because that's what I had. Light and delicious.

And I finally finished this blanket that I started in Dec- to be fair, I had another blanket I made while I was still in the middle of this one. Now, however, I need a new knitting project. Possibly a rug out of my remnants.

2009-04-24T08:50:00.001-05:00

"Despair, or folly?" said Gandalf. "It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt."

- LOTR, The Fellowship of the Ring

2009-04-23T19:22:00.005-05:00

I have trouble these days formulating my thoughts into posts, so I haven't been posting. And I still plan on cross-posting to my other journals, I'm just attempting to approach this blogging thing in a more deliberate manner.

I'm skipping the Systematic Theology class tonight. They're discussing the person of Christ. Important, yes. But we covered half the chapter last week, and I'm feeling antisocial tonight.

Anyway.

First, something a little frivolous-

I tried making puff pastry, I used this recipe, and it actually puffed! I was so excited!

See, it puffed!

But, when you consider how much time and energy it takes to make this, and that a 17 oz package costs < $4, it's probably just easier to buy puff pastry sheets at the grocery store.

Palmier cookies- puff pastry + lots of sugar, rolled and sliced. Yummy!

I still have a lump of dough in the freezer, I should consider how to use it...

Some less frivolous thoughts:

I have spent the entirety of my 25+ years of life thinking of myself as a "good" person. I'm nice, I'm polite, I don't cuss (much- Emily says I have rubbed off on her and now she says "damnit!" more often, whoops)... but I'm not really good. I'm proud, selfish, lazy. And it surprises me every time I think about it, why does it surprise me? Why do I persist in thinking of myself as a pretty good person? And I hurt people, by carelessness. All while patting myself on the back for being such a lovely caring person.

I used to think I was a very thoughtful, very caring person. But honestly, I don't care much about people except as it relates directly to me. It is bitter to realize, and hard to deal with.

But, encouragement- "Oh foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? ... Let me ask you only this: Did you recieve the Spirit by works of the law for by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" (Gal 3:1-3, ESV)

Spurgeon, in his "Morning and Evening," encourages thus:

The only weapon to fight sin is with the spear that pierced the side of Jesus. To give an illustration- if you want to overcome an angry temper, how do you go about it? It is very possible that you have never tried the right way of going to Jesus with it. How did I get salvation? I came to Jesus just as I was, and I trusted Him to save me. I must kill my angry temper in the same way. It is the only way in which I can ever kill it... You must be conquorers through Him who has loved you if you will be a conquerer at all.

The following children's song comes to mind:

He's changing me, my precious Jesus

I'm not the same person I used to be

Sometimes it's sloooow going

but there's a knowing

that someday, perfect I will be

little by little bit, every day

little by little bit, every way

My Jesus is changing me (oh yes, he's changing me)

since I made that turnabout face,

I've been walking in His grace,

My Jesus is changing me.

But sometimes, I feel like I haven't changed at all. Sometimes I think this progressive sanctification is all complete crap. I would much prefer instant sanctification. But then, who wouldn't? Sigh.

resurrection Sunday

2009-04-12T12:55:00.003-05:00

Pastor John's sermon today was a thoughtful one. They normally are, but it hit on something I've been struggling with for a while. Basically- we see the things of this world, and we want them, we see the benefits of those things. But we don't really see, know, and appreciate the idea of eternity with God. So, my life is fragmented, and I'm frustrated. I struggle with how to be a Christian and live my life in this world, I have in my head the idea of "heavenly minded, earthly no good."

Ephesians 1:15-23. Paul's prayer for Christians, and what I ought to pray for myself (starting from vs. 17): that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance with the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power towards us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And He put all things into subjegation under His feet, and gave Him as a head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

I wish I was more certain of God's glory. I used to say in undergrad that I didn't want to see God's glory- I knew enough to know that to see God's glory would be to see my own failings, and my own need to change, and I wasn't (still am not) able to do so. And I didn't really want to change, didn't want to be bothered. At least I was somewhat honest with myself. I can't say if now I really want to see God's glory, but this half-devoted state is so difficult. To have some blazing assurance that God is who He says He is, that I might willingly, joyfully give up my all to Him.

I remember in the Corinthians bible study last year with GCF, we went through the passage in 1 Corinthians 15, about the importance of the resurrection. And someone (perhaps Joanna?) pointed out that we often think about Christ's death on the cross, but without the resurrection it's pointless. And then I think about the verse where Paul says, "If we have hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied." (1 Corinthians 15:19) I don't think I live my life in such a way that if the gospel were a sham, I would be completely pathetic. I'm afraid to live my life in that manner, and honestly not many people live their life in that manner. I think it's CS Lewis who talks about Christianity And... But what is mere Christianity? I should re-read Lewis. I think I am looking for an "And" to tack on to my Christianity, because I don't know quite what to do with it just as it is.

I am ashamed to admit that I'm such a young Christian. It's discouraging, and like a small child of 6 looks at a child of 2 and thinks how grown-up she is, I look around me and judge. Instead of looking to my Father and realizing how much farther I have to go. Forgive me.

Something a bit more lighthearted, that I think Sara had posted somewhere:

This video makes me smile, and occasionally outright laugh, but also makes me feel horribly inadequate, if that makes any sense at all.

an attempt to consolidate, and some intentions

2009-04-12T12:43:00.001-05:00

I am attempting to consolidate my multiple blogs. I'm afraid that by allowing myself to have multiple blogs that only certain groups see, I'm fragmenting myself, so this is an attempt to remedy that.

This will be a public blog, though not all entries may remain public. Ranting, raving, rejoicing will all occur here. I plan to post my thoughts, but also my various and assorted projects (knitting and baking, mostly) and any fun recipes or articles or whatnot I come across.

I have no idea who reads these things, but I will probably cross-post to both my xanga and my livejournal, which are the only two blogs I keep updated these days.

So here we go. Yet another blog of mine floating around on the internet. I really should delete those old, old ones.